5-15-89
(6pm) Erica stopped in for a bowl and a brew. (Neat!)
It sounds like she had another fun weekend in Anaconda! (Good for her!)
(10pm) Tiredness!
I wonder if I will ever find anyone I want to be with who wants to be with me? (Maybe the answer is that the unconscious mind is causing me to be attracted to women it knows won’t be interested?) (Being a hermit is getting to me a bit lately. (Oh well, a few more years and I will be able to start looking.))
5-16-89
(7am) I will try the r-rated movies awhile longer for Erica, but so far they are just causing horniness I have to take care of myself, which in turn brings depression. (I am hopeless!)
Erica commented that she thought, considering how hurt I was by Carrie dumping me and how long I am continuing to miss her, we must have been lovers. (Only in my dreams.) (She was a wonderful friend, and we are connected on some level I can’t explain. (It feels like a part of myself is missing.)) (She also made a comment about Carrie being a coke whore. (She did like to play the b-movie harlot! (Twas a way to kill the pain and hide behind a mask.))) (As alluring as her b-movie harlot is, I tended to avoid it. (I didn’t want to be cut any more, and the b-movie harlot always ends up cutting a few fellows before the end of the movie.)) (My platonic relationships have the elements of intimacy and commitment, and seem to last longer than one’s that possess the element of physical intimacy.) (Maybe the message between the lines of all that was that I need to forget about Carrie and let that pain go?)
This week and next I am stuck in budget meetings most of the day at work. (What a drag!)
I have to find something to keep busy with the next few years. (I need to make this time as productive and constructive as I can!) (Reading is another thing I have had trouble doing since Carrie dumped me. (I haven’t been able to get into much of anything since then.)-(I wish I wasn’t such a lousy friend!))
(8pm) Well, there is nothing more on tv and I am caught up on movies. (What to do?)
(9pm) Erica stopped in for a minute. (Neat!)
I didn’t get much of the story, but it sounds like there is some new plot twist unfolding. (Linda is upset about something, but I couldn’t figure out what.)
I am still waiting to hear from four publishers. (It has been awhile on a couple of them, and I am wondering if they just tossed them. (Usually I get a rejection letter, but sometimes I just never hear from them.)) (I hope someone buys my stuff someday!)