Quotes:
Janet Woititz, "Struggle for intimacy"
– "You never had a chance to ‘do it right’ because you have never
experienced what ‘doing it right’ looked like, or felt like." (I can
relate!)-(For me to understand what a relationship is will take finding someone to build
one with and learn as we go. (My mom was a zombie and my ex was a psycho, so those two
relationships didn’t teach me much about how relationships should be.))-(My dad
worked a lot and escaped a lot, so I didn’t learn much there except how to escape.)
(I have learned that my early romanticism and naïve thoughts about relationships that I
found in books, movies and tv were invalid, but it will take finding a girlfriend and
building a relationship to figure out what does work.) (I have felt guilty about getting
divorced, but living in hell, day in and day out, is too much for anyone to endure! (I
learned from my ex and the sex was great, but it damaged me and left me with a lot of
wounds, which are healing very very slowly! (If at all.))-(I would say, besides
alcoholism, my ex was also manic / depressive. (I suppose she could have been an actual
multiple personality, but that is rare and manic depression is a more likely diagnosis.)))
"You have grown up to be the perfect doormat for an inconsiderate person." (I do have to be careful, because it’s easy for me to get used. (Keep shutting off people who take and keep the friends who share!))
"Interestingly, it is the journey towards the goals, and not necessarily the goals themselves, which help the relationship grow."
(4pm) I sent off samples from "Feelings" to four publishers today. (Keep seeking rejection.)
(5pm) Erica is still having problems letting anyone help her out. (She has helped a lot of people over the years and she should let them return the favor now that she is down!)
(9pm) Erica stopped by for a brew. (Neat!)
(11pm) Tiredness!
12-4-88
(11am) I have been pondering on Janet Woititz’s book "Struggle for
intimacy".
My self-doubts and low self-image make me pretty insecure! (I always figure women deserve someone better than me.)
I learned the hard way you can’t stay in bed forever! (I woke up inside a nitemare!)
I know the intensity of my fears is out of line with reality, but it’s hard getting my unconscious mind to accept that.
I am sure that there is a lot about relationships that is beautiful, that I have never experienced; but my fear and lack of skills keeps me from finding out. (I have been alone so much, I have never learned much about being social.)
Part of why I have a hard time with first moves and trying is because of my low self-esteem and expecting rejection. (e.g., it took a year after my last rejection from a publisher, to try again.)
After my ex, the pain that was always associated with sex distorted my concept of sex. (Which in turn reinforced the connection made at the unconscious level by my mother dying when I lost my virginity.) (Intimacy makes me uncomfortable and afraid, and tis hard not to run.)