I am starting on my third year of Nautilus. (That was a good idea!)-(It hasn’t fulfilled the original purpose of finding a girlfriend, but I am a lot happier and that is part of why.) (Losing weight is something else I did because women said it would make me desirable. (It didn’t make any difference, but I feel better.)) (Women keep coming up with ideas of why I am undesirable, but I think it’s that they sense my fear, at the unconscious level, and are repelled by that.) (I have to change my personality before there is any use in going out.)
(7pm) I have got a nice buzz going!
The speed has increased the craving for a cig, but not too bad.
Who knows when my desire for companions and lovers will be greater than my fear of the pain companions and lovers can bring? (Maybe never.) (I obviously need more time to heal!)
Pot does ease the craving for cigs.
The other thing that helps is plugging into the computer and working.
(8pm) Erica stopped by. (Neat!)
She is obsessing a little on her weight. (I guess that is a natural side effect of becoming single.)
Maybe the shrink was right that I have got to become dissatisfied with how things are, before change will happen? (I am content with how things are now. (And, until my marriage is paid off there aren’t many other options available to me.))
It would be good, for my health, to cut down the size of my gut, but it won’t help with women. (My fear is what keeps women away.)
(10pm) Tiredness! (The speed didn’t help tonite.)
10-2-88
(7am) I slept well!
(8am) I wonder if Carrie will send another nasty note for my birthday? (If I get something from her, I will save it for after my birthday.)
I still don’t have the foggiest idea about what changes to make in my personality. (Being nice got me lots of "too nice to fuck" comments.)-(Jerks always got more time with women than me, and at least they claimed to be finding lots of lovers; but I don’t think I could be that way. (It might be an interesting role to try on in a sexual fantasy with a long time lover though.))-(There must be something in between!) (Oh well, until I overcome the fear, that is pretty unimportant. (Maybe not being so afraid is the only change my personality needs?))
At this point, therapy for me would be to break down my phobias. (What a shrink would be doing is assigning me tasks like going out socially x number of time a week, to work through the process of desensitization.) (I can’t afford to socialize much or date and I think a little time with friends is the best for me now.)