9-24-88
(7am) I need to think of somehow to reward myself on a regular basis for not smoking. (Positive reinforcement is the most effective way of modifying behavior.) (When I quit in ’75, the reward was that my sex life doubled. (Now though, doubling nothing is still nothing.)) (In ’84, I used the possibility of finding a lover. (Lots of women had told me cigs were why I wasn’t getting any, so I quit for eight months.)-(When I gave up on trying to find a girlfriend I started smoking again and stopped going out regularly.)) (The prosecutor nagging at me doesn’t do any good. (Negative reinforcement is pretty useless when it comes to changing behavior, but it fits someone who spends her life prosecuting and punishing people.)) (Considering my experience in ’84, how little I believe in myself now, and how afraid I am of going out; sex isn’t going to be a reward for quitting. (Then again, I could take the money I save and spend it on a monthly trip to Wallace.))
I don’t understand why the government pays farmers to leave land idle when people are going hungry.
(9am) I pondered the Wallace idea awhile and decided to pass. (Tis a lot nicer to spend time with my women friends and spending the money on time with them would be more rewarding.) (I thought about spending it on going out alone, but that generates so much pain and anxiety, it’s a punishment.)
I think lovers will have to wait until after I learn how to be a friend.
(3pm) I wandered around town looking for a grow lite, but no one carries them here. (Now I am back to finding somewhere to have it delivered and ordering it through the mail.)
Erica is still suggesting I do laundry over there. (I am still not comfortable with the idea. (I am just too worried about being a bother.))
The doctor questioned if I am really happy. (Maybe I just don’t know what happy is? (I feel happy, most of the time; but maybe it’s just the absence of unhappiness?)-(After years of depression, loneliness and relationships that turned into nitemares, maybe I am just not unhappy for the first time?)) (I have spent so little time with others and playing, I probably don’t know any more about fun and happiness than I know about play and relationships.)
I got a letter from Samantha. (It sounds like all is well there! (Good for her!)) (Her and Leo are going to New York for a couple weeks. (Neat!))
(6pm) Erica popped in to use the phone. (Neat!)
(7pm) I am eating too much fried food!
I figured out where to have the lite delivered and got it ordered.
Tomorrow I will pick up some of the other things I will need for the grow room and paint the room.
I will have to start some seeds tomorrow too.