I know it isn’t rational to blindly refuse any social contact with people from work, but I can’t get comfortable with the idea. (Maybe someday I will overcome that, but not now.) (It could be a good answer to my problem with finding new friends. (Tis the one place where I spend 1,000’s of hours around people. (But, the only way I can go there is to classify them as people I will never socialize with.)))
Erica still thinks I should chase Beth. (What would be the point of a relationship with someone I can’t trust? (Without trust there is nothing but sex, and my marriage taught me that isn’t enough.)) (A sexual relationship could be good for my health, but pissing off a narc could offset any good the physical intimacy did me!) (Like with everyone at work, I can’t allow her in my home. (What excuse would sound even remotely logical, for refusing to allow her in my home if we were dating?)-(How could I ever be certain she wouldn’t drop by uninvited? (I am already worried about that!))) (Oh well, the idea of a relationship with her makes me totally uncomfortable and that is what is most relevant. (Tis probably irrational, but what difference does that make?))
One of the prosecutors is bugging me to quit cigs. (She says nagging is what she does best.)
Mary says she is going back to school. (She says working with battered women is getting to her and she wants to get into something else.) (It would be hard to build a relationship with a man, when what you do all day at work is listen to stories about men beating women and children.)
(6am) My sleep routine seems to be slipping to where I am going to bed and getting up even earlier. (Withdrawal continues to intensify!) (My excuse is there is nothing on tv and I can’t seem to find the energy to do anything else now.) (Maybe part of it is nicotine withdrawal? (When that gets bad, escaping into sleep is one solution.))
I keep telling myself to go to the Club and visit the soak and sweat area, to sweat some of the nicotine out of my system, but I still can’t make it out the door. (That seemed to help a lot the last time I quit, but my condition has deteriorated since then and I am not able to make it out the door.)
I have been in a black mood lately. (Between quitting cigs and worrying about what the doctor will say, I have been in a really shitty mood!)
I wonder if I will ever be able to cope with a sexual relationship? (I always push away anyone who might be interested, and I always find some reason for not being attracted to them.) (Maybe I will heal enough to be able to deal with that part of life, but I am not holding my breath.)
(7am) I hope I am just being a hypochondriac and none of my health worries have any merit!
Right now I am a bit obsessed with the worst possible news though!
(6pm) Erica stopped by and bs’d for awhile. (Neat!)
Tis tough to find the balance between he, she and we, in a relationship! (Each has to have time for privacy, and they have to have time together, for all three entities to continue growing! (And that changes through time. (e.g., there are very definite stages of adulthood and those transitions can mean needing more time alone for awhile, and can make one harder to live with for awhile. (Both people aren’t likely to go through the same transitions at the same times and the individuals have to work out different amounts of time together and alone.))))