Part of why my ex liked a lot of sex was that I listened to what she said verbally and nonverbally and put energy into giving her pleasure. (Lovers have been so few and far between, I truly appreciate the women who come to my bed, and I do whatever I can to please them.)
This is the first nite I have watched the Olympics. (Not much else is on.)
Erica thinks I should go to Mary and Beth’s party. (I am not willing to take as big a risk as would be required in going to that dinner party! (Maybe someday I will be able to risk losing my job for a dinner, but not now!))
She says I am not doing very well with people. (I am getting progressively worse! (e.g., I have pushed Sharon out of my life.)-(e.g., I am not able to go out alone.)-(e.g., I am not making it to the Club regularly.)-(e.g., not going for walks on the weekend.))
It took me two years to turn off everyone at the County, and it will probably take about that long at the City. (There are a lot of women there to push away!)
(8pm) Erica commented again that I have lousy eating habits. (How true! (That is another way I am a lousy friend to myself!)-(I am better than I once was, but I have got a long way to go to be good enough for people.) (Tonite was the fourth nite in a row of hamburgers and fries. (I thought about making spaghetti but I still can’t stomach the thought of that.))
(9pm) Tiredness!
9-23-88
(5am) I sure slept shitty!
TGIF! (Except for worrying about seeing a doctor, and the nicotine withdrawal.)
Tis hard for me to talk about a lot of things, but writing has given me a way I can express myself. (Part of the problem in my relationship with my ex was I was so afraid of being attacked I didn’t say what I thought and felt. (I never revealed myself to her and was always hiding.))-(I held it in and held it in, and eventually it had gotten to the point where I walked out and never looked back.) (Part of why I have no relationship with my ex now is that we were never friends. (All we had was sex.)) (Maybe one answer, if I ever build a relationship with a woman again, is to write to her until I am able to overcome my fear of talking? (I doubt I will ever have to worry about all that though. (I rather doubt I will ever be able to deal with another relationship.)-(I have got a long way to go!)))
For a long time, my only sexual fantasy has been to publish my poetry and be molested by groupies. (Sex with nameless people I won’t ever see again is the most I can deal with, even at the fantasy level. (Pretty sad!))
I would guess that another part of why I am so strict about keeping home and work separate is that is how my dad was.
Another part is that I dealt with my mom going crazy by keeping school and home separate. (Hiding myself is a long standing pattern, and it’s pretty rare that I trust anyone enough to let them even half way close.)