Speaking of work, it was a drag today! (Sometimes I get the feeling I am working with a bunch of kids in grade school, the way they carry on with their petty squabbles. (Egos get in the way, far too often!)) (Oh well, forget about all that until morning!)
(8pm) I do have a problem letting people get close to me! (It takes a long time!) (I have got a lot of excuses, but I know I shouldn’t be so uptight. (I am just too afraid!)-(I keep working on it, but it is very, very slow!))
For now, quitting cigs is more than enough for me to worry about! (I wonder what new obnoxious habit will come up to replace cigs? (Hopefully one won’t show up, but they have in the past. (We will see!)))
It did turn chilly suddenly. (I have already started using the electric blanket and the heater.) (D O is going to have to get used to staying in.) (Tis getting dark pretty early too.)
(9pm) Tiredness!
9-22-88
(6am) I am having trouble focusing because of the nicotine withdrawal.
When it comes down to it, I am useless, except as a work machine.
(7am) Well, I dug some cig butts out of the trash. (I am so weak!) (I will wait on quitting until after I see the doctor. (If I have got diabetes, I will use that as a motivator.)-(If I have got a brain tumor, I will be dead soon and there isn’t much point to quitting.)-(If there is nothing wrong with me, I will have to find some other motivation to quit.))
(5pm) Busy day!
Erica called. (It sounds like she is feeling better. (Good for her!))
I have sure been in a shitty mood today! (Mostly, I am mad at myself about cigs!) (Also, I am probably going through a lot of turmoil unconsciously, worrying about the doctor’s appointment.)
(6pm) Well, I flushed the cigs and I am making another attempt. (Keep trying!)
(7pm) Erica stopped by and visited. (Neat!)
She says she got another letter from Carrie. (Erica said the letter says not to share it with me, but she offered to do it anyway. (I declined. (If Carrie wants to talk to me she will.))-(I still have a lot to learn about being a friend! (Until I figure that out, I don’t deserve to be around people!)))
Men who find it easy to find lovers always amaze me! (I haven’t got a clue!) (I can’t complain though, because I have learned a lot from being celibate and building a lot of platonic relationships with women! (My ex taught me a lot about physical intimacy; but I still had a lot to learn about emotional intimacy, and my women friends have taught me a lot about that!)-(I know I need to find a relationship that has both, but I just don’t seem to be open to it now.))