(6am) I couldn’t make it out the door to go to the Club again. (I am not doing too well this week.) (Maybe I will try again tonite.)
D O is in a weird mood this morning. (So far she has attacked me three times and scratched my face.)
(7am) Time to get into gear. (I feel tired this morning!)
My boss seems to be becoming a bigger jerk. (He is obsessed with power and pushing people around! (He has started to alienate the few people who did like him.)) (Oh well, just do my job and avoid him.)
I am going to be crabby for a couple weeks. (Tis annoying, but it will pass and it’s worth it to get past the cigs!)
I wonder if Gwynn ever finished the classes from last spring? (Hopefully this year she will learn to keep a better balance.)
(5pm) Busy day!
There is a tremendous struggle going on inside of me! (One side knows a relationship could do me a lot of good, and craves companionship and a lover. The other side is scared to death of relationships. (The second side feels more comfortable if women find me undesirable and consider me a lousy lay) (Until I find some way to resolve that inner conflict, there isn’t much point to even trying! (I end up depressed and frustrated, because my unconscious mind always manages to fuck up anything I try to do.)))
I will pass on Beth! (I have got to be able to work with her and a one-nite stand might get in the way of work and cause problems! (I am not even convinced that she is interested.))
I am still wondering what is bothering Miranda. (Hopefully she will open up one of these days!)
If you are projecting thing on others unconsciously, as a way of coping with something you can’t face consciously, how would you know you weren’t doing it?
I hope I find some energy soon!
(7pm) Well, three cigs left.
If it was possible to fuck Beth and never see her again, and she was interested, I would probably do her if she made the first move. (If she was interested at all, she isn’t now. (And, she doesn’t strike me as someone who would make all the first moves.))
There is no one at work that interests me enough to risk messing things up at work! (I would have to be very interested in someone, trust her completely, and be absolutely sure she was interested, before I would even ask her out!) (Part of why I can go to work is I have defined it as a non-social and non-sexual place. (If I didn’t, I would have problems making it out the door to go to work.))