I failed at not girl watching again today. (The Court is a great girl watching spot! (And, Beth seems to encourage it. (She is one wild one! (Or, so she claims.)))) (Mostly I avoid girl watching at work by doing my job. (Sitting in my office plugged into the computer.))
I ate three x-tops and I am catching a nice buzz. (Feels good!)-(I manage to find a lot of pleasure in simple things!)-(I have got food, shelter, nice movies to watch, comedy, music, friends, smoke, transportation, …, and that is beautiful!)-(I suppose the girl watching and all the talk about sex point to not successfully satisfying my needs for physical intimacy, but now doesn’t seem to be the time to work on that. (If it’s meant to be, it will happen in time!))
(10pm) D O is still out and about.
Maybe talking about poverty is another way I cause people to perceive me as depressed? (They think about experiencing poverty, and get depressed; and then projecting that back on me.) (It isn’t so bad, by any means; and I don’t think it will last forever. (This too will pass!))
9-10-88
(Midnite) Tiredness!
(7am) D O stayed out all nite. (It has been a long time since I have done that!) (Hopefully she had fun!)
I am going to try to exercise more, rather than eating, as a new substitute for physical intimacy.
(8am) Well, the newspaper is done.
There is nothing on tv today.
(11am) I have been editing poetry for a few hours. (Now I am burned out on that.)
I just heard some chirping, so I headed for the kitchen. As I came out of the bedroom, I ran into D O headed for the bedroom carrying a live bird. When she saw me, she turned and headed back for the kitchen with it. (She played with it until it died and then ate it. (That explains where the birds disappear to.))
D O has been by a few times today to sit on my lap. (Amazing!)
I better clean house today. (It has been too long again!)
Now I better deal with laundry.
(2pm) Well, laundry and shopping are done.
It baffles me why people bother to ask me if I am going out. (That is a long ways off for me!) (I can’t cope with the pain of intense anxiety attacks and the endless frustration of sitting by myself and going home alone. (I am going to end up home alone, regardless; so why put myself through the torture I have to endure in even getting ready to go out?)) (One thing I noticed when I was going out was that I would wear drab clothing. (Doing things to make myself undesirable lowers the anxiety level, so I imagine that is why I do that.))