(7am) I feel good!
(9am) I haven’t been having much luck not talking about sex. (Although my women friends complain about it I have noticed that they talk about sex. (Maybe the difference is they talk about having sex and I talk about not having sex?)-(Having sex is a natural and healthy part of life, and not having it is unnatural and unhealthy.)) (Tis bad that I have gone so long without finding a girlfriend, and I suppose it’s a pretty downbeat topic for conversation. (Maybe that is part of why I am perceived as depressed?))
Because of my phobias and poverty there isn’t a whole lot I can do in the way of therapy, but I can work on things like not girl watching and depressing others.
I can also work on quitting cigs. (I need to cut that cost out of my budget and it would be a positive step in my therapy to give up that defense mechanism.) (Most of the people I know here don’t smoke, so that is something I can do to make being around me more pleasant for them.) (Work on what I can!)
I am not going to even consider having a sex life now. (I have obviously got a lot of growing and changing yet to do, to be good enough for anyone I would enjoy being with.) (I have a lot of growing and changing to do, to even begin meeting women and building friendships.)-(Building a relationship is even more difficult and I have to meet women and build friendships first.)-(And I will need to experience a few friendships that grow into more, before I find one I want to build a long-term relationship, more than likely! (It would be a very unrealistic expectation of life to think the first woman I date would be the one!)-(I tried the with my ex, and that was a nitemare!) (Tis just not practical or wise to be impatient, when it comes to that aspect of life!) (Maybe it will happen that way, but expecting it would set myself up for grief, depression, …!)) (Hopefully, somewhere down the line the Robert Cray song "Laugh out loud" will be apropos, but now isn’t the time.) (In the mean time, I have adapted pretty well to long term celibacy, and I am used to taking care of those needs for myself. (I still get sad about it sometimes, but that happens infrequently and doesn’t last long when it does come around.)-(Tis a lot nicer being happy most of the time now!)-(Being sad about it just makes things worse! I felt black all the time, and that depression turned women off and kept them away, which just increased my reasons to be sad. (That is a real vicious circle to get caught up in.))
(10am) I loaned Erica the old black and white tv I used in Bozeman. (Hopefully it will work ok.)
There was quite a party going on downstairs last nite when I went to bed, but once I found sleep it didn’t bother me. (I can sleep through almost anything.)
(1pm) Erica stopped by to drop off the left over pizza from yesterday. (Yum!)
(2pm) I got my grocery shopping done. (I stocked up on everything again. (Time to settle in for another round of poverty!))
I finished off the pizza. (Yum!)
(6pm) I edited poems for three hours. (It always amazes me how much energy writing consumes! (Sometimes I can’t even manage it.)-(Sometimes I have overdone it and drained myself so far it took weeks to recover.))