Lots have told me they perceive me as rude (among other things). (One aspect is that my unconscious mind is manifesting obnoxious behaviors, to keep people away and protect me.) (I recognize it’s irrational, but the flood of chemicals triggered by the vastly exaggerated fight / flight instinct makes it hard to do anything but withdraw or push people away.) (Another aspect is that this has been happening so long, I haven’t spent enough time with others to know what the proper responses are in a lot of situations.) (Another aspect is that the loss of muscle control and the lack of skills resulting from lack of experience, couple to make play activities out of the question.)
Another misperception I have noticed is many people think shy people want to be alone. (Maybe I am wrong, but I think that most shy people do want to be with others.) (We want to play but lack of experience, and the loss of muscle control and thought during anxiety attacks gets in the way.)-(The sad thing is, when we can find a positively reinforced opportunity to play, the experience will help to break down the phobia.) (I can understand people who are good at play not wanting to be bothered by dragging a shy person along. (At first the shy person is going to be a klutz and get in the way of fun, but in time they will get better.)) (Probably because of growing up around me, my sister was good at that. (e.g., when we were in bars she would invite people who were sitting alone to join us. They always did and we always had a good time.)) (One therapy for sexual aversion is to employ a sexual surrogate to help the person to cope with the phobic reaction and learn how to play. (Maybe we need to expand that idea to other areas of social interaction?))
(3pm) I am repotting some houseplants and wishing I had an extra pair of hands. (Some chores go much easier with two people.)
My sister called again. (She says my dad is going to buy me a plane ticket so I can make it to her wedding.) (That will be strange! (I haven’t been back there in eight years.))
(6pm) Erica dropped by for a bit. (Neat!)
(7pm) Nice walk! (Greenough is pretty now!) (I would have spaced it off, but Erica suggested I get out of the apartment. (I get wrapped up in my projects and forget about everything else.))
Erica commented that I am in a rut. (How very true!) (I put a lot of things in life on autopilot, so that I don’t have to spend time thinking about them. (e.g., food isn’t a big thing to me, so I cook and eat the same things over and over. (The alternative would be to invest a lot of time and energy into studying cooking and preparing menus, and I would rather spend the time on other things.))) (One advantage of friends is they knock me out of my ruts now and then and help to experience new parts of life. (I worry about being dependent and getting in the way of their fun, but I make contributions to their lives using the aspects of myself that are fully developed. (The trick is to figure out how much I have taken and making sure I give back at least that much to them in other ways.))) (Another aspect is that it’s another manifestation of my phobias. (e.g., women tend to prefer spontaneous men, so being in a rut turns a lot of women off.)) (Tis probably a defense mechanism too. (e.g., it’s pretty rare that I encounter situations, while I am in my rut. that trigger anxiety attacks.))
(9pm) Quiet nite. (Nice!)
It has been a wonderful weekend! (Tis sad it has to end!)