I seem to be getting tired earlier and earlier.
5-23-87
(5am) I would say my unemployment and poverty since my divorce have to do with my sexual aversion. (Those are behaviors that turn off a lot of women.)
I know I need to start going out and exposing myself to settings where sexuality could eventually happen, but I just can't seem to make myself do it.
I know a lot of accidents I have had in the past where I hurt myself physically (e.g., cuts and bruises) came at times when I was trying to do something while in the middle of an emotional storm of some kind. (e.g., often times when I am getting ready to go out to the bars, I cut myself real bad shaving and bleed for hours. (I always ended up going out later than I had planned, if at all, because I had to wait for the bleeding to stop.) (It could also have been, partially, that I was making myself less attractive by scaring my face.)) (I would say those are the times when I have made some of my biggest fuck-ups. (e.g., getting married in the middle of a storm of lust.)) (I wonder if that isn't true of most people? (I think most people have less intense emotional storms than I do, or else are able to cope better with them; but everyone has moments when they should be still, unless they want to risk hurting themselves.)) (I think if people would be still until the storm passes, there would be a lot less suicidal behavior.)
(7am) Since my phobia is to sexual relationships and that is what shows like "Dallas" and "Falcon Crest" are about, I think I will use them as the stimulus during my massage. (Soap operas would be good too.)
I think, once my sexual aversion is broken down, my romantic aspect will return. (I think, tempered by experience and not hindered by anxiety that would be a nice part of life to return to.)
(8am) I caught up with my pen pals. (Neat.)
I would guess my grandmother's breakdown was another trauma. (I supposedly spent most of my time with her and my mom during my childhood, and both disappeared from my life. (Since both those traumas had to do with women who I was close to, that fits with a phobia that keeps me away from sexual relationships with women.)-(And, that those two women would be in many of my childhood memories, fits with loosing my childhood memories.) (I never saw my grandmother again except at my mother's funeral.) (Although I saw my mom after her break down, she was a totally different person.) (Maybe my Child aspect made an invalid connection from those experiences, that I drive women crazy; and has been avoiding women ever since, for that reason?)-(Maybe my phobias serve the dual purpose of preventing women from hurting me and me from driving women crazy?) (My memory block of my childhood coincides with my grandmother's breakdown.) (Being around me also seemed to drive my ex crazy, so that experience would have reinforced that bad connection.)
My energy level seems to be low now.
(11am) Nice massage. (Yum.)
(Noon) Erica dropped off a letter for me. (Neat!)