Maybe part of my problem with being aggressive in chasing women is that the only time that was successful for me was with my ex? (Oh well, I need to work on being assertive, not aggressive.)
Pot is how I got started on cigs. (The guy who introduced me to pot told me I would get a second hit if I smoked a cig after the pot, and gave me a cig.)
I think my attitude is a lot better than it once was, but I still have a ways to go. (Understanding what has been happening to me has helped a lot.)
I don't look at the story line in my x-rated video as being anything that will ever be a part of my reality; but it’s a mild sexual stimulus to associate with the pleasure of massage, and I think it's helping a little. (I have shifted my fantasy from sex itself, to the process of getting to the bedroom, which is where my phobia lies. (It introduces the situation at a level where I have less anxiety and can think clearly enough to try and figure out how to respond to various words and actions. (Once I can do anything at the fantasy level without anxiety, I will be ready to begin looking for situations like classes, where there would be little anxiety and start conversations with women that have no sexual content, and overcome that anxiety. And, on and on, until I can deal with sexuality in reality, without being crippled by anxiety.))) (Tis going to be a long process, but at least now I have tools for working on changing and an idea of what steps I need to go through to get there. (And, in the mean time, I am happy and getting happier.)) (Neat.)
(11am) Nice two-hour massage. (Yum.)
One weakness I see now with the video as a therapy tool for me is that it's working on reducing my anxiety about sexual encounters; but doesn't address the anxiety about sexual relationships, which is the core of my problem. (I will have to shift to using more fantasy, to set up that kind of stimulus.) (The problem with my ex wasn't sex itself; but the relationship, and the focus of my therapy needs to be on desensitizing myself to relationships which have a sexual dimension. (I need to teach my unconscious mind that a sexual relationship doesn't mean constant torture.)) (The video is still helpful though, as there was and still is anxiety associated with sexual encounters that has to be dealt with also.)
(Noon) I think Erica is right that recovering my child aspect will be helpful in learning to play, but it's pretty useless until the phobias are broken. (I already have access to play aspects (e.g., dancing and shooting pool), but they are unplugged now.) (I have to break the fear of sexual relationships or generate more obnoxious behaviors (e.g., get fat again.), before I can put myself into the play environment. (Play is very much a part of the courting process and sexual chemistry, and it's those times when someone is most likely to notice someone and become interested.)) (I think I will get there, but it's a slow process.)
(2pm) Carly stopped by and bs'd, and I got her hi. (The conversation didn't get around to sex this time. (Relief.)) (She sat in the middle of the couch this time, and the extra distance seemed to make me more comfortable around her.) (I think I pissed her off a little, because I didn't want to get deeply into the current news. (I spend so little time with people I try to avoid depressing topics then. (Maybe with some people though, that is appropriate? (If she is really into the news, I suppose that is what I should talk about with her.))))
(4pm) Nice workout.
(8pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)