(7pm) Erica stopped by, kept me company for a bit, and brought me another letter. (Neat!)
Until I break down my sexual aversion, it's doubtful that women who interest me will be any more interested in me than in the past. (The new one’s would have the same complaints and excuses for not being my lover, as the old one’s.)
I know I am a pretty okay person. (Intelligent and sensitive, and all that which is supposed to be what women are looking for; but until I beat the phobias, no one ever gets close enough to see that until I am sure they aren't interested.)
Erica suggested I ask Carly what she meant with that question about a birthday fuck, but I will pass. (I doubt it was more than rhetorical, and asking would just spoil a perfectly good fantasy. (And, if it wasn't rhetorical, that could end up spoiling the fantasy too.)) (Someday I will have to move on to reality, but fantasy is as close to sex as I can come now.)
My women friends have helped me a lot in breaking down my phobias as far as I have already. (My phobia used to be of women in general; and by spending time with them and not being attacked too often, I have reached a point where I enjoy being with women if I know there is no possibility for sex. (The first step in undoing my conditioning was to break the being with women / pain connection, and build a world with a being with women / pleasure connection. (I had to learn to enjoy women's company, before I could even begin on sexuality. (Now I have to do the same thing with sexual relationships.))))
(8pm) In the NLP books, they commented that a lot of near sighted people were cured through hypnosis. (They had seen something they didn't want to see, somewhere in their past, and their unconscious threw their eyes out of focus so they couldn't see it again.) (My near sightedness dates back to about the end of memory.) (?)
(11pm) Quiet nite.
I miss Carrie!
10-23-87
(6am) Mornings are beautiful.
That depression that hit me on my nite out in Sept was interesting. (It began right after I danced with that woman, and ended when she left.) (That was a moment I should have gone with; but my unconscious is still blocking me, and my sexual aspect remains in prison.)
I am not sure why being with my mom was something I avoided, but I sure did. (My last memories of her are from the summer of '71. (I had gone to summer school, but I came back to Topeka for a month in August. (I spent a lot of time with her then, late at nite. (I would go out to the bars and get drunk, and my mom would be sitting there waiting, when I got home. We would sit there not talking and play cards for four or five hours. (Sometimes she would read my palms.))))) (I wish I could have dealt better with her and spent more time with her; but I doubt anything would have changed, and maybe it was for the best.) (She was sure a radically different person after her break down.) (I saw her a lot while she was in the hospital dying, but she was only conscious once and then only for a few seconds. (One of my aunts was in the hospital room crying, and she woke up and told her, "Don't cry for me. I am going to a happier place." Then she drifted away again.))