(5pm) Today's shrink appointment went well. (Again, it was mostly me giving him more history and my analysis of what is happening.) (He agrees with my diagnosis of phobia, and that my first priority needs to be the sexual aversion. (He thinks my massage therapy is a good start, but that it's only a stepping stone to the reality. (This aversion grew out of the experience of a real woman, and it's going to take the experience of other real women to break it down.)-(Massage isn't doing as much good as a lover could do in breaking down that aversion, but I don't have a lover now and the phobia is still too intense for me to go out and find one. (One step at a time.)))) (He also agrees that I shouldn't worry about dealing with the obnoxious behaviors like cigs now, and to focus on the phobias. (The obnoxious behaviors will disappear only after there is no more reason for them.)) (He says that what I need is to assign myself chores, like asking three women a week for a date, and then try to make myself do it somehow.)
It occurred to me during today's massage that trading massages would also be a good time to talk and satisfy part of the need for emotional intimacy. (Maybe that is why my ex and I didn't trade massages very often? (There was no emotional intimacy in that relationship. (Just deception and hiding.))) (That isn’t a time though to discuss topics, which could trigger emotional responses like anger.)
Thinking about it more, my phobia about fishing was another one that existed before my marriage and was simply reinforced by sharing that experience with her. (During my teens, going fishing meant spending time with my mom, and that was something I avoided then.) (I just don't have any good memories associated with going fishing.)
One way that massage is like sex is that each person is unique, and one has to learn the likes and dislikes of each.
Some reasons I see for staying celibate for awhile, when I first enter the singles scene here are:
1. The potential for pissing women off increases with sexuality, and it would be better to let people get to know me before I risk making any of them angry.
2. I think I need to continue to avoid more repetitions of the pain - sex connection now, to avoid reinforcing the sexual aversion. (Starting with friends is less risky.)
3. It would also show others I am capable of suppressing my sexual aspect, and maybe that will help me avoid the problem of jealousy I have run into in the past with women who meet my sexual aspect.
Up until my last year in high school I was planning to follow the sports road, but that year changed me a lot. (Up until then the only people I really knew half way well were athletes, and all my energy went to studies and sports; and I had managed to avoid building any real friendships.) (In my senior year, I was the sports editor of the school paper, and for the first time shifted time away from sports and started making friends with the others who worked on the paper. The interaction with them made me more aware of politics and my attitudes changed a lot then. (e.g., from pro Vietnam war to anti.)) (That shift in my time and energy pissed off the coaches though, and it ended up with me quitting the sports thing. (That created a little aversion in me towards sports, and I never did get back into watching games as much as I had before. (Again, my ex just took an existing tendency in me and reinforced it until I totally lost interest.)))
One tool I use during my workouts and to calm myself when I am hit by an anxiety attack, is breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, slowly and deeply. (I don't know why but that pattern of breathing soothes me.) (It also helps to breathe from the stomach during that exercise.)