Modeling other's behavior is useful whenever there is something to be learned, and my pattern of avoiding sexual relationships and social situations has left me unskilled in a lot I would need to become sexual and social. (My instinct is to run and hide, and I have to learn new ways of reacting.) (e.g., learning how to jitterbug is something where modeling is used to learn how to do it. (One starts out learning the basic movements consciously, and later, when they are doing those unconsciously, they begin weaving it all together into whatever fits the music.)
Erica comments that a massage would be nicer with two; but I don't have two now, and I am too afraid to go out and pick someone up or to even build a friendship that might grow into more. (I have to end the phobic reaction first.)
Although going to the health club didn't accomplish what I had hoped it might, it has been good for me and helped me to see some things about myself. (e.g., the more attractive I become, the greater my anxiety becomes in social settings.)
Happy birthday to Miranda.
(4pm) Nice walk.
(9pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
I need to get back into job hunting again. (All my energy has gone into writing, the past few weeks.)
I will have to merge the addition of "Outlaws and Poets" from Carrie's letters into the rest of the book too.
And, start another addition from Erica's letters.
And, catch up on this stack of accounting reading.
And, do some reading on sexual aversion.
So much to do.
10-25-87
(5am) I wonder if one reason women often feel men don't touch enough is that men tend to have more physically active work and play, and are satisfying their need for physical intimacy through that activity? (If so, one answer to the problem would be for women to satisfy their need with exercise or an active job; but I think that is a bad pattern, and people need to start touching each other, and stop looking for substitutes to touching.)
I have noticed lately that I seem to be using the exclamation point less frequently than I used to. (Maybe that is a sign that my emotional reactions are diminishing in their intensity? (If so, that is a great sign.))
If part of my phobia has to do with an irrational connection that I drive women crazy, another way my women friends have helped me is in giving me time with women who I didn't drive crazy. (They get annoyed and frustrated by me sometimes though.)