Perception: Each day, stories I recall during massage time come from earlier and earlier periods in my life.
Coincidence?: If Hunter had told Carrie about me telling him that story a few days earlier, I wouldn't have gotten Carrie's letters to do the fourth addition to "Outlaws and Poets".
I am still craving to put down roots. (I think this would be a good place for me, if I can find work.)
(4pm) Nice workout.
My intuition said to space off Sharon, and that fits into this therapy model. (I need to connect sexual relationships with pleasure and all I was getting from her was guilt trips and frustration.)
One thing I had a tough time with after my divorce was that fling I had with the woman from work. (She had been in the bars for a year or so already, and knew about everyone. (I don't know what I did to piss her off, but she went around telling people to stay away from me. (I never understood why she got so upset, but she sure had it in for me.)-(There are still people there who give me shit over that.))) (What it took to overcome that was to just go out and hope for people to give me a chance. (For the first six months that didn't happen much, but then I met Erica and she helped me to become accepted.))
The next three stories occurred to me during this morning's massage:
In Nov. '73 I had just moved back to Kansas running from a contract my ex’s first husband had put out on me. (I went out some with an old drinking buddy of mine. (He commented that my personality had changed in the year and a half I had been gone, and I think he was right. (I had broken down my social phobia some, and my sexual one a lot as the result of my initial experience with my ex. (e.g., I was flirting and trading phone numbers.)))) (I think, if she hadn't moved to Kansas or if I had been experienced enough then not to have married her, I would have broken the phobias back then, instead of having them engrained in me even more deeply by the experience of her.)
In Aug. '73 my sister asked me to help a friend of hers who had just moved to Denver to meet some people. (I agreed and the first nite we ended up at a strip joint.) (I was pretty drunk and still a little pissed about that experience in Dec. '72 (the 3rd story), so I played the jerk that nite. (The result of that nite was I met my ex and got a date with her. (It probably would have ended then, but the union went on strike and I ended up with lots of time to kill, and we filled up the time with fucking. (Compared to my first three lovers, she was amazing in bed! (Then her first hubby got into it and tried to get her back. (It ended up with him putting out a contract on me. I moved back to Kansas; she moved there a month later, and we got married a couple weeks after that. (At most, I had known her four months then, and nearly all our time together had been in bed.)))))))
In Dec. '72 I had just moved to Denver and was living with two friends from Kansas. I had only been there a few weeks then and hadn't met anyone to speak of yet. The people I was living with went back to Kansas for Xmas and that was the first holiday I had ever spent alone. A couple days before Xmas, I was hit by a huge wave of depression and loneliness. To try and cheer myself up I checked out a local strip joint. I was pretty naive and by the end of the evening I had spent about $250 to talk with someone for a few hours.