(9am) My intuition is still saying to focus my energy first on my sexual phobia, then on the social, and then worry about money. (The sexual phobia is what is fucking up the other two, and I think it needs to be dealt with before those will begin to clear up. (e.g., last winter in Bozeman, I functioned really well socially at work and with men socially; but the anxiety level rose drastically in settings that could have become sexual.)) (I would say that what I did was to define work as totally non-sexual, so I could work on the social aspect of my phobias in an isolated setting and break them down. (I don't think there is much more I can do on the social, until I break down the sexual aversion. (I would say that a lot of my problem now, socially, is the obnoxious behaviors my unconscious mind generates to avoid sex. (e.g., cigs, depressions, not playing, ….))))
I would say that in my relationships where others model me any, I have to remember what I have read about the problems mentors have. (Everybody seems to have some urge to live forever, and we tend to attempt to accomplish that through making our children and our pupils into carbon copies of ourselves. (Conversely, we become upset when they show signs of being different.)) (That is another thing I like about my reincarnation model. (It satisfies that urge, with the knowledge that my essence will go on after death.))
Another thing on my list of things to do is to build new relationships with my kids; but I need to beat the other problems first.
Lots of divorced people I have met went through a bar time and were disappointed. (Maybe that has to do with the fact that it's often their b-movie Casanova / b-movie harlot aspects which met people there, instead of their everyday selves? (My readings and people I meet keep suggesting things like clubs, classes, the gym, church, …, as places to look, after the anger is gone and one is ready for a long term relationship. (Maybe that is because those are places where people are more likely to go as their everyday selves, and you can look for someone you can live with, instead of someone who inspires lust? (I would say, in my bar days, I usually went as my everyday self, and I was more interested in what women's everyday selves looked like, than what their b-movie harlot looked like. (I am in lust with most women, and that is just not an important criteria to me.) (I would say one problem in my marriage was that we were married before I had any idea what her everyday self looked like. (e.g., it wasn't until after the marriage that I saw one of her rages.) (I would say going to the bars as my everyday self and suppressing my sexual aspect was why I found lots of women friends, and no lovers. (And, I think that is exactly what I needed to find then.)))))))
I suppose the idea of becoming a bartender to give myself the distance from people I feel comfortable with is a cop out. (I have to desensitize myself, so I am comfortable being closer to people.) (Besides, it would still make me anxious at first, and I would be a klutz. (I would have to buy a bar and hire myself. (Anyone else would fire me the first day.)))
(1pm) Another two-hour massage. (Yum.)
From my experience, trading massages and making love aren't two separate things, and they tend to blur together.