Wouldn't the idea from that physics model apply to the perception about tv, for example, changing one's picture of life? (I know that the more time I spend in my work environment, the more I analyze all of life as an accounting problem.) (People's attitudes seem to change to fit closer to those who they are around. (e.g., after 8 1/2 years with my ex, my attitude had slowly turned black from being exposed to her for so long. Since then, I have sought out the company of women whose attitudes were far warmer and brighter than hers were, and I have slowly warmed and become brighter, as a result. (e.g., with my ex, even to mention the subject of infidelity meant to endure an attack, and over the years since I have come to accept that such things happen as a regular course of life, and aren't the tragedy she considered them to be. (Neat!))-(I still think my unconscious mind led me to the women I needed to meet, to change and grow in the ways I needed to.))) (Wouldn't that also fit in with the idea of looking for happier bars to hang out in? (A bleak atmosphere makes it harder to be happy.)) (If that model works, my setting myself up so Erica is about the only influence upon my life, would be a lot of why I am happier now. (What worries me though is that, if that model is valid, each time she warmed me up a little, I cooled her off a little. (Maybe that is why we have tended to spend little time together? Spreading the process of warming me up, over a long period of time, and in little doses, avoided me ever making her too sad.)-(That is a beautiful gift she has given to me! (When I am stronger, I will pass it on!))))
(11am) Note from the ozone: Throughout literature and theatre, one finds the ritual of the after sex cig, and I have performed that one 1,000's of times. Since cigs act as substitutes for physical intimacy, maybe that is an unconscious cue people use to say touching is over? (Personally, I would rather keep on touching; but I have noticed that lovers I have been with, who smoked, stopped touching and got annoyed at being touched after that cig.) (Isn't that an outgrowth of our culture conditioning us to connect touching with sex? (I know I can still see it some in myself, and I still have a ways to go in breaking that conditioning.)-(Tis very much part of being human to need touching to remain healthy, and it's healthiest to satisfy that need through human contact.)-(I think I will get there!))
(3pm) I gave myself another four-hour massage. (Yum.)
(5pm) Nice walk. (Walks seem to soothe me, and I think that is another reason I am happy most of the time. (I think it's a combination of the changes in body chemistry that come from exercise, and the stimulation of cloth against my skin.))
It occurred to my yesterday, when I discovered my masseur aspect, that, using the learning theory model, I have two things to do in breaking my sexual aversion. One thing is to break the conditioned connection between sexual relationships, and pain and tragedy. The other is I need to connect sexual relationships with pleasure and happiness. Then I noticed that a gentle massage with oil was a part of my sexuality which was pleasurable and which I could sustain for hours. Then it occurred to me that combining massage, music, and my x-rated video would be one way to begin linking pleasure with sexual visual stimuli, so I have been trying that experiment. (That connection could be made better and faster with a lover, but ….)-(Long massages and making love would be nice!)-(The problem is that, although the intensity of all my sexual fears is irrational, each is based in reality; and there would be the potential for reinforcing the pain - sex connection instead of the pleasure - sex connection. I know I will have to deal with it at a real level eventually, but maybe fantasy will help to get me to that point.)