A few times when I have commented that I don't know what to say or do to seduce a woman, people have told me that is a crock of shit. (Looking at that now, in terms of my phobias, maybe they were all right. (Tis there, but in any situation where it would be appropriate, I have an anxiety attack, lose control of my muscles so I can't do anything but sit, and my thoughts turn to mush and I can't think of what to say and couldn't talk if I could. (Before I even look for lovers, I have to beat the conditioned response, so the anxiety attacks don't keep shutting me off from the possibility of interaction with others.)))
I don't think I should totally ignore my perceptions of other people's motives. (Maybe the answer is that they are right in their essence, but simply too intense? (My reactions always seem to be too intense, and I project that same intensity back upon the stimulus, which seemed to evoke it.))
I still wonder if being poor is simply another obnoxious behavior that my unconscious has chosen for turning women off. (Being poor is my most frequent excuse for not playing; and not playing is linked to shutting off the opportunity for sexual chemistry to happen and avoiding the pain of another anxiety attack.)
Another NLP idea was to invent a new past that gives one what they need to be who they want to be now. (Maybe, rather than looking for my own childhood, I should invent one which gives me what I need now?) (Maybe that is what people should do with all memory blocks? They are often put up when it's something our conscious mind would have some problem with, and I have seen people invest a lot of time and energy worrying about what it was they can't remember. (e.g., Billie fretted a lot about the six months she lost. (I don't see any real use in her remembering all the details of being a prostitute. She knows she did it, and I think that is relevant for her to know; but not the details of whom, how, where, …. Maybe she should just invent some story to fill in that time, and forget about remembering?))) (I would say there was some kind of trauma in my childhood, which began my sexual and social phobias and that that is the root of the patterns my ex reinforced; but I am not sure that knowing the details would change anything. I would still have to go through the same process of deprogramming the anxiety attacks I face now. (Actually, after I beat the anxiety attacks and gain better control of my emotions, the block may disappear and I will at least remember the pleasant parts of my childhood.)) (I think there is value in the Freudian model, but it has a terrible track record with phobias. (The behavior modification model does have good results though, and that is what I will need to use to break the phobic patterns.))
I sense that my phobic reaction is beginning to diminish to being closer to what it was before my marriage. (Maybe that is why I have begun to remember memories of that time? (e.g., regaining my masseur aspect.)) (I wonder what other aspects of myself I have forgotten?) (Another thing I noticed at my birthday party and the star gazing party was that I am beginning to regain greater access to the part of me that enjoyed the company of men.)