I would say that anytime I perceive things when I am having an anxiety attack, I am subject to misperceiving the moment. (The panic I feel causes me to attach meanings to others behaviors that aren't there. (I would say that is my conscious mind trying to find a rational explanation for an irrational reaction. (e.g., I was experiencing a lot of anxiety when Carly was here Oct. 5, because she was sitting close and touching my forearm a little, and when that one conversation came around it got even worse. I know what she said, but don't know what her eyes and body language said. My first reaction was to feel she meant her and me, which was probably just to explain to myself why I had an anxiety attack.) (I over react to all sexually related stimuli, and I seem to try to explain that over reaction by misperceiving the intent of others.) (I have to get it though my thick skull that my anxiety attacks are a response to something in the past, and not a response reflective of the current events which trigger them.)))
In sex therapy, when the anxiety attack occurs in bed and causes impotence (for example), and there is no mate to help with the therapy techniques, some therapists use a "sexual surrogate" to take the place of a spouse. My anxiety occurs in connection with relationships with women, and my women friends have helped me to become better, at least at the platonic level. (Sort of like girlfriend surrogates.)
I have read that muscles often have some kind of memory, or seem to anyway, as using them can sometimes trigger memories. I have noticed that some in exercise; but today's massage seemed to trigger a lot of memories. (Interesting.)
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
10-17-87
(7am) Tis neat to understand better what is happening to me, having tools for coping with it, and ideas about how to deprogram the conditioning. (I think, looking back, that my unconscious knew already, and has been doing things all along to start that process. (e.g., my compulsion to spend time with women and build platonic relationships was exactly what I would need to do now in the phobia therapy model, if I hadn't done so already.))
It surprised me that I didn't need a writer's holiday after that letter from Carrie. (I think that is a positive sign. (A year ago, I would have been crushed.)) (Sometimes my emotions get so intense I have to be still. (Isn't that why one shouldn't fight if they are angry? (The anger causes a person to lose muscle control, to be clumsy, and not think clearly. (I know that is why I avoid fighting then. (I fight with words, and I lose the ability to use them then. (Tis best, as I would just as soon not hurt anyone.))))))
I seem to get anxiety from all play with others. (I think that is my unconscious protecting me by not putting me in situations where sexual chemistry could happen; but there seems to be greater anxiety levels triggered by some types of play. (e.g., fishing. (Maybe part of that one is that I did that with my ex and it got associated with me being attacked? (Fortunately she didn't like to do much of anything. If she had, I would probably be as phobic about those things as I am about fishing.))-(I will have to desensitize myself to fishing too. I was never good at it, but it pleased me.)-(I have had a lot of excuses for not going fishing, but it was all just avoiding the pain of a major anxiety attack.)-(I may well have to just go and sit by the river a few times, before I will have sufficient control of my muscles and thought to actually fish.)))