I would say that interaction with my ex reinforced a lot of my existing negative traits. (e.g., I had a poor self-image before marriage, but nothing compared to afterwards. (Tis nice that that has improved!))
Rather than worrying about finding an extraverted girlfriend, I should shift that intuitive urge a little, and simply continue looking for friends who are extroverts? (What I need mostly is to interact with extroverts and model their behavior, so my behavior becomes less introverted. (I think extroverts also learn through what I have experienced and learned as an introvert; and it isn’t all me taking from them, and tends to balance out over time.)) (I would say I have already done some modeling. (e.g., I love the companionship of my women friends. At its heart my enjoyment of their company has nothing to do with what activities they do, but the attitude they have when they do anything. (I have tried to work on modeling their attitude, as I think that is the most important lesson they have taught me.)))
One of the anxiety attacks I got at my birthday party came when Carly told another woman there that I was a "hunk". (?)
Although who I am now and who Sharon is now, isn't a good combination, I suppose I shouldn't close doors forever. (Until my phobias stop getting in the way, I probably shouldn't pass judgement on the chances of any relationship. (The anxiety fucks up my ability to think, and I end up finding some excuse for saying no to everyone.))
One thing I have noticed about my story telling is that most of them come from the time since my divorce. (I have been telling a lot of stories lately from my marriage, but most of the last four and a half years worth of letters to Erica told stories about the last four and a half years.) (Tis even less often that I have told stories from before my marriage.) (Part of the reason is probably that, in many ways, it has been three different men. (e.g., to tell stories about the time before my marriage would require developing all those characters, and I would also have to develop my own, as he was different from the person I am now.))
Since Carly's question about a birthday fuck caused me anxiety, maybe I should have found out if it was a rhetorical question or not? (I need to start exposing myself to anxiety instead of running away from it.) (Oh well, I tried fantasizing about an affair with her, and it would be difficult. (She spends most of her time with school, Ross, and Gwynn, and seems to be on a pretty short leash.)-(And, the logistics of everyone living so close together would be messy.)-(It would get discovered, if it lasted more than one or two times, and that would probably do more damage to me than good.)) (I am probably imagining again, to think it was anything more than a rhetorical question.) (If that topic comes up again, I will try to overcome the anxiety enough to find out what she meant.)
The reason I don't fantasize about sex with someone I know is the anxiety I experience in trying to shuts off my sexual aspect. (Maybe I should work with fantasy until there is no anxiety in imagining anything? (That fits into the desensitization model, without hurting anyone else or risking a painful experience myself. (Fantasizing about an affair with Carly was an experiment with that idea.)))
Isn't the reason why story tellers sometimes use exaggeration, that, in the magnification, parts of life which are often missed because they are so subtle, suddenly show up in the story?