I am still not up to the pain of going out. (I have had a lot of excuses for staying home, but not being willing to experience the pain is what they all come back to. (Tis frustrating to feel so much pain around others. (Oh well, tis better than it once was and I at least have some ideas about what causes it and how to deal with it.)))
10-17-87
(7am) I have also told a lot of stories about infidelity. (I think that is a part of life and that I need to learn to accept that. (I need to learn to deal with my feelings of jealousy, before I look for a girlfriend.) (Tis likely to happen, and I have to be able to deal with it, so it doesn't get in the way of the relationship.))
In every story I have heard I think I have found some little bits and pieces that were useful to me in some way. (Isn't that part of why people enjoy stories?) (I have noticed that the stories that offend me most often did so because they came too close to my reality. (That is why I try not to offend others too much in the stories I tell. If I get too close, their conscious minds get in the way of them hearing the bits and pieces of the story that might be useful to them with their puzzles. (I think their unconscious minds will find whatever is useful in my stories, without me saying anything.)))
One problem with my divorce stories may be that they are so far out of proportion with what some others experience; but maybe not. (I see the same thing in a lot of storytellers. (e.g., no one’s life is likely to be packed with as much drama at such intense levels as the characters in a soap opera; but there are bits and pieces of them which anyone could look at and see a parallel to in their own personal dramas, and which might be useful to them in their lives. (I have read that some housewives watch soaps because their own personal dramas are dull or bad or …; but they wouldn't watch if they couldn't relate somehow to at least one of the players, and if the story didn't, in some ways, parallel and provide useful ideas for their own personal dramas.))) (Maybe I like to play with my imagination because my personal drama has few players and is pretty dull right now? (e.g., Carly was probably just asking a rhetorical question about a birthday fuck; but imagining it was more, has been a pleasant fantasy for amusing myself, and gives a little spice to my life. (I worry that that is bad; but, as long as I am aware it's fantasy, what harm is done? (It makes my life a little more interesting, and harms no one. (And, since even fantasies sometimes bring on anxiety attacks, just as things on tv and in movies sometimes do; I think it's a useful tool for helping to desensitize myself.)-(And, by using imagination to put myself in a variety of settings and situations, and fantasizing about how I would respond, I think I am also getting useful practice which may help when I do experience those settings and situations in life.)))))
One interpretation of some of my comments on my divorce in the last few days could be that I blame my anxiety attacks on my ex. (I think what she did, probably unconsciously, was to sense my weaknesses and build a model for reinforcing them; but I stayed and it was my weaknesses that got me into it and kept me there for so long. (e.g., with my high sex drive, I am vulnerable to being manipulated by women, and I am, as my ex liked to say, "pussy simple". (That is one reason I want to start with friendships and keep my sexual aspect out of it. (I enjoy that aspect of myself, and would love to return to being sexual; but for me to let him choose girlfriends is insane.)-(Like I have said, he could be content with about anyone for life; and what is important is to find someone my everyday self enjoys and can live with!)-(I don't think I totally ignore my sexual aspect in choosing women, as one commonality of the women I enjoy is, from what they say, they all enjoy that part of life.))))