(9am) Note from the ozone: Having studied both the physical and human sciences, I have sometimes noticed places where there seems to be an overlap in the models they use. (The other nite when Erica and Gwynn were over, Gwynn was talking about a part of the physics model where, when two systems are put together, they act on each other in specific ways. (I wonder how that could be related to how social interaction seems to work sometimes? (e.g., the interaction she and I used in our discussion was a can of beer. The can is one system and the environment it's in is the second system. When one puts the can in the frig the two systems interact in such a way that, through a transfer of energy, the can eventually becomes about the same temperature as the frig. Then when I open it, and bring it in here to sip on, it begins interacting with this environment, and the can will eventually become about the same temperature as this room, if I don't drink it fast enough. (If one changes the word "system" to "person", and "temperature" to some human variable, I can see that it fits how I interact with others, to a degree. (e.g., if temperature is replaced in that model by the human variable introversion / extraversion, it fits my intuitive feeling that I should spend time with extroverts. I know I am way too introverted and would like to change that variable in my life; and the way I have noticed that has happened in the past is to interact with extroverts. (Somehow that interaction makes me more extraverted.)))))) (I also see use in the models of computer science in understanding the human mind. (I think, in many ways, designers created computers by modeling the brain.)) (Models are interesting and I have studied lots of them, and tend to flow from one to another in trying to understand life; but I do recognize they are all lies and nothing but pictures of life, not life!)
I am still not convinced that remembering my childhood would be of much use, except in satisfying my curiosity. (Somewhere back there could be the traumas which started the cycle of anxiety and withdrawal, which my ex noticed and magnified through her rages and attacks on me over the years; but conscious awareness doesn't seem to make much difference. (I know, intellectually and consciously, that my anxiety is so out of proportion with reality as to be absurd; but that doesn't stop me from having an anxiety attack from just thinking about sex or going out. (The only way I will get that understood, on the gut level, is to set up a program where I regularly and purposefully put myself in situations where I will have an anxiety attack and force myself to stay and ride them out. (Right now I am at the level of doing that through fantasy, tv show and movies, and with Erica's visits; and, when I master those I will look for more threatening situations to expose myself to.))))
It used to annoy me a little that Erica commented more about my shakes than my other women friends; but it makes sense, as I get more frequent and more intense anxiety attacks from being around her, than any of them. (One reason might have to do with the fact that she comes closest to resembling my ex, than any of the others, physically. (She resembles my ex least, of my women friends, in terms of personality.)) (My experiences with my ex, and the results (i.e., exposure to classical behavioral conditioning to associate sexual relationships with pain, and the resulting anxiety attacks in any sexual setting.), has generalized now to all women; but there seems to be different intensities. (e.g., someone whose personality reminds me of my ex's, I can't deal with at all.)-(e.g., women who look like her physically evoke the most anxiety. (That may be another reason things went okay with Sharon. (She is 6" taller and has fewer curves than my ex.)))) (Another guess would be that the level of emotional intimacy in my letters to Erica is far higher than in any of my other relationships.) (I don't look at the anxiety attacks she causes me to experience as bad. (In fact, it's the best therapy tool I have right now, and exactly what I need to grow!))