I have never played much with other people, unless I knew them well. I would say that, besides my phobia about sexual relationships, there is also one at the general social level. (Maybe it's all sexual though? (One function of play is to help people choose lovers, and by not playing, I shut off a good opportunity for sexual chemistry to happen.)) (When I have tried to play I have an anxiety attack, I lose muscle control, and I come across as a klutz; which also shuts off sexual chemistry. (In fact, I would say that reverses it. (Instead of having no idea about how I am at physical activity, women perceive me as awkward and clumsy, and project that into the bedroom. (Maybe that is why I avoid play? Maybe I have sensed that it worsens the perception others have of me when they witness an anxiety attack? (If so, I can see not playing as being a good choice, given my anxiety attacks.)-(Tis a pattern I will have to break though. It protects me, but it also constricts who I can be. I have to put myself in play situations, induce anxiety attacks, and make myself stay and endure them. (For awhile, I will continue being a klutz; but it's the only way to beat and control the anxiety attacks.))))))
Given my ex's family's attitudes and the time she spent stripping, I guess it was natural for her to equate being a wife with being a whore. (How could I have behaved to break that conditioning in her?) (I wasn't brought up that way, and I am only now seeing she perceived sexuality differently than I did.) (She said she bought things to cure depression. (Maybe sex with me depressed her, because of considering herself a whore; and the buying was taking her wages?)) (I don't want that kind of relationship in the future. (Maybe the answer is to live alone and keep on taking care of my own needs?)) (I wonder if that attitude was why she worried so much about her looks and was so insecure? (If she defined herself as being my whore, it was only a matter of time until I would dump her for a newer model. (I feel bad that I didn't see that before; but that reasoning is alien to me and I think it's absurd.)))
(11am) I have found some use in going to Wallace. (It has helped to define my problems and limitations, but it brought me a lot of guilt.) (I think I will try to avoid that part of life in the future. (Tis a bad attitude!))
Maybe that problem with my ex is why I have been avoiding women who are highly dependent? (The attitude that a wife is a whore seems somehow linked up with being dependent. (?)) (How does one avoid that?)
The taping project for Charlotte filled up 27 tapes. (That is a nine number. (Something about that experience, in its totality, was magical and poetic.))
Maybe, rather than being something outside her control, my ex's rages were occurring on a schedule her unconscious mind had figured out, for controlling me like she did the turtle? (i.e., when he sticks his head out of the shell and starts to move, attack.)
(4pm) Nice workout.
We are all involved in little dramas, and stories about the players in our personal dramas are going to get a greater emotional response than one’s about people who aren't. (What I have to do, with all my stories, is to find someway to change them so they are no longer are linked to anyone's personal drama.)
Erica commented about how my letters to her reek of tobacco. (Everything about me reeks of tobacco.)