then until I moved here, I worked on desensitizing myself to platonic relationships with women and that is pretty much where I am now. (I still experience tremendous amounts of anxiety around women, and don't become functional until I am sure it will not be sexual. (e.g., I am more comfortable now around Miranda and Gwynn, since Erica assured me I have turned them both off.)) (I think I need to continue to work at that level, and completely desensitize myself to the lower levels of anxiety such as starting a conversation, and gradually working up to the sexual.))))))
(8am) Maybe my ex did what she did, consciously? (Whatever, she sure did a number on my unconscious mind.)
Erica sometimes labels my behavior as "self conscious". (I would say that when she perceives me that way, I am having an anxiety attack. (I do get a lot of them around her. (It has been good for me and helped me much in my growth!)))
Being a hermit is helping to solve my problems. (e.g., it's a time when there aren't a lot of variables, and it's easier to see what experiences impact me in what ways.)
(9am) Although being around Erica and learning to cope with the anxiety that brings me is good therapy for me; but I worry about taking too much from her. (The anxiety attacks make me someone who isn't much fun and that gets in the way of her having fun. (That isn’t fair.) (When we spend time together needs to be times when she will not be annoyed and burdened by me being there, and I think it's best that she continue choosing the times that we are together.) (I want to be a good friend for her, but my problems get in the way.) (Erica has always said it would take a patient woman to be my girlfriend, and she is right. (She would have to sacrifice some fun for awhile, until I beat my problems.)))
I don't know how, but I sense that idea about people coupling based on the respective strengths of their male and female aspects is a useful model. (e.g., if a man's male aspects make up 75% of his personality, he should couple with someone whose female aspects make up 75% of her personality.) (There are women who somehow seem too feminine, who I am not attracted to; and there are one's who seem too masculine, who I am not attracted to. (?) (I can't even explain what I mean by seeming too feminine or masculine. (Those are just labels my unconscious uses.)))
If I had sold stock short across the board when my business aspect said to, I would be rich now. (I think now that I would liquidate half the position.) (Sometimes I wish I had money when my instincts tell me to do things like that. (Having money bet changes it all though. (When I studied the commodity markets, I spent a long time trading on paper, and got pretty good at it; but, when I experimented with using money and placing bets for real, factors like greed, fear of loss, self doubt, …, muddled my thinking and I didn't do as well. (Trading on paper I made a pretty steady profit; but when money was bet, I just broke even. (One rich fellow once told me one has to go broke a few times to learn how to become rich. (I think he is right. (Loosing it all teaches one it's really not that important; and, unless that is how one looks at money, it will cloud their reasoning.)))))))