Tis annoying that my lovers don't seem to be friends. (I think I will stick to building friendships.)
Erica says I appeared relaxed at my birthday party. (As long as I don't do anything or talk when I am experiencing anxiety attacks, it isn't noticeable, since the shakes cleared up. (Neat.))
I think, once I can desensitize myself, and the fears are conquered, my Child aspect will come out.
Tis nice to have lots of sexual experience and memories, in some ways; but it's also part of the intensity of my phobia to sexual relationships. (Classical behavioral conditioning: sex, pain, sex, pain, sex, pain, …, for 6,000+ repetitions. (It will take time to break that conditioning, so that my unconscious associates sex with anything but pain.))
(8pm) School would be another example of how I lose the ability to think when I am hit by an anxiety attack. (I did well on tests, but when I was called on in class, I almost always gave the wrong answer.) (The difference I have noticed between how well I shoot pool alone, and how well I shoot when I play with others, is another example.) (It would be nice to be able to cope instead of being paralyzed.)
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
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(6am) I wonder if part of my ex's behavior and my staying so long related to her, on some level, seeing the parallel between the turtle's behavior and mine? (Tis pretty easy to trap a turtle.) (My problem makes me similar. (Around people I experience anxiety which, for what ever reasons, causes me to lose control of my muscles and my mind becomes so disorientated that rational thought becomes difficult, and I can't move, talk, or think clearly. (I turn into a turtle, drawn up into its shell, waiting for the anxiety to pass.))-(By attacking me at regular intervals, she kept me immobilized. (Thinking back, she played the same game with the turtle, using a stick.)))
Maybe it will be helpful to me to clarify that conditioning more? (I originally associated the anxiety which hits me in settings where sex is a possible outcome, and which intensifies anytime I get close to women there, with sex itself; but, my experiments in Wallace and with Sharon showed that was wrong. Once I get past some threshold point, the anxiety shuts off and I regain control of my muscles, and do just fine. (I think though that it's possible that I would experience impotence at first, if I went to bed with someone I care about. (e.g., my sexual aspect didn't come out that one time with Samantha, and I would say it was because our relationship raised the anxiety level to the point where I never regained control of my muscles, or to think clearly enough to stop thinking.) (That is why Sharon was a good choice for that test. (There wasn't a relationship there.) (Since Erica evokes far more intense emotions in me than Samantha does, I have been more emotionally intimate with Erica than Samantha, and I am more in lust with Erica; I think it's good that Erica was smart enough to not help me with that experiment. (I may sometimes wish her intuition said different things, but I trust it.)) (I noticed with Sharon that the anxiety seemed to drop off the second and third times we were together, and that makes me feel that in time I could function okay with someone I did care about. (When I first work on breaking down the anxiety about sexual encounters with a friend, I will have to find someone who is patient and willing to accept that we will have to go slowly and that sex might be lousy at first.)) (I think what my ex did was to condition me to fear relationships with women. (Looking back to the early Paw days, I was afraid to even talk to women, until Erica came into my life. From