I do get pretty paranoid sometimes about people besides Erica reading my letters to her. (That is another way she is helping me to learn to cope with my anxiety.) (On the other hand, I don't feel the same hesitation about letting others reading "Outlaws and Poets". In fact, I have asked Erica to think about whom else might be willing to read them and give me some input on it. (My only fear about "Outlaws and Poets" now is that it isn’t fictionalized, and I don't want anyone to get hurt.))
That taping project for Charlotte was time consuming, but it fitted my mood at the time and was interesting. (It forced me to sit and consciously listen to the 100's of stories told in the songs I taped, and that was helpful somehow.) (When I work, I set the CD player on repeat and then don't even hear the music consciously, until my unconscious signals me that it wants to listen to some other bunch of stories for awhile.)
I hate how my emotions hinder my life, but I am learning to deal with them and understand them better. (And, it's times when they hit me hard that I learn the most about coping with them, and that is what I have to go through to desensitize myself to them. (That is part of why I am avoiding them now. I have to go out and purposefully look for pain, experience it, and learn to cope.))
We can each change our paths, but we each have unique limitations and strengths, which we must give consideration to. (e.g., I have to go through a process of desensitizing myself to my experience of my emotions before I will be able to accomplish any real and lasting changes. (My unconscious knows I have to learn that, before I risk sexual relationships again, and it won't let me hurt myself.))
I commented to Erica that, now that I am not writing Carrie, I will start putting the comments about politics, the occult, philosophy, …, that I used to put in Carrie's letters, in Erica's letters; and that I hoped she didn't mind. She writes back wondering why I would think those things wouldn't interest her. (Tis weird, but, in a lot of ways, I don't really know her very well. (What I know about her mostly comes from her letters and what things she talks about when we are together, and she hadn’t mentioned an interest in those topics.)-(That is my fault. When waves of emotion hit me, I lose muscle control and the ability to think clearly, and I can't talk or do anything; and I seem to experience that a lot when she is around. As a result, I don't often bring up anything to talk about and mostly just respond to things she says, and I never found out, like with my other women friends, what she is interested in. (As soon as she is out of sight, I think of lots of things to say, but when she is around I can't think of anything to say. (It used to annoy me a little that she commented about me being quiet more than anyone else ever had; but, I talked more with them than I do with her. (I would say that is much better than two years ago. (That is one more example of how my friendship with her has helped me to grow. (And, it's learning things like that which will eventually help me to become someone who will be able to form a relationship.)))))))
Writing to Erica is good therapy for me. (Neat.) (Tis good for me to have a source of emotional intimacy.)
I know, intellectually, not every sexual relationship is destructive, but I am not ready for those risks yet. (In the desensitization process, I need to start at the bottom and work up. (e.g., soak and sweat time at the Club and little 5 minute conversations is something I am comfortable with now, and I need to start from that social level and gradually work up through more threatening social settings. (Then, when that is done, start dealing with the sexual.)))