Since the result of heavy drug use is often a diminished sex life, maybe that is why many women I have met who are heavy into drugs do them? (They have often told me they were sexually abused as a child, and maybe the drugs are how they avoid the male sexual aspect as adults? (At least consciously. (e.g., Billie went through a time of high cocaine usage, when she was a prostitute and a coke whore for six months. She fucked 100's of men then, and did all sorts of strange things; or, at least that is what people told her later. (She had no conscious memory of then.)))) (Maybe the men too are avoiding the female sexual aspect? (Like I have said, I use pot to suppress my sexual aspect.)) (Somehow, we have to stop abusing each other, and come to better terms with each other! (The war of the sexes has to end soon!)) (Used with discretion I think drugs can be really neat sexual toys, but heavy long-term use has more to do with avoiding sex than anything else. (I know to be a good lover for someone, I would have to cut way back on pot.)) (I think drugs are more useful in single life than in relationships, as they lower inhibitions and allow people to make the first moves more readily than if they were sober. (I think we all have sexual needs, and the unconscious may use drugs as an excuse for tricking our conscious minds into taking care of that need. (e.g., if one's conscious mind has a problem with fucking around, getting drunk and blacking out is one way our unconscious mind can take care of that need without offending the conscious mind.))) (By the time I get fucked up enough to lower my inhibitions about recreational sex, I am too fucked up to get it up. (I think it would probably be a good sign if I could go out, get drunk, and fuck around. (It would show that my sexual aspect is closer to the surface and less repressed.) (That isn’t my goal, but it might well be a stepping stone on the way to where I want to go. (I am not even close yet.))))
(2pm) I know I talk more about sex when I am repressing my sexual aspect. (I wonder how common that is? (Women I have been with who talked a lot about sex were often uptight in bed.))
(3pm) Maybe I will have to force myself to go out and start the process of desensitization? (From my experiments it's obvious I am still too uptight to even interact with others, but maybe the first step is to go and sit quietly alone, and work on the emotions that experience stirs up inside me.) (Confusing.)
Why does our culture try to condition everyone to expect sexual monogamy, when it doesn't fit reality? (From anthropology it appears humans are pretty monogamous creatures, but complete sexual monogamy isn't natural.) (There would sure be a lot less pain, if our expectations fit our reality!) (I know that conditioning is an element of my sexual problems. (I can see it as not fitting life, on an intellectual level; but it's taking time to get there on the emotional level.))
(3pm) Erica stopped by for a visit and brought me a letter. (Neat!)
(4pm) Whenever I have stopped talking to Erica about my feelings for her, and then started to again, she has commented that she never knew. (I think she does kind of forget, consciously; but down deep I think she has always been aware. (e.g., I would say that is why I got such a negative reaction the time I gave her a hug, and when I have touched her forearm. (That was it's way of politely saying "no way", and now I avoid ever touching her, as, down deep, I accept that message.)))