Maybe saying drugs magnify emotions is too limiting? (They magnify all sorts of sensations.) (e.g., I get greater awareness of my skin on shrooms.)-(e.g., on acid I got an increased awareness of colors.) (There seem to be different levels though, to me. (e.g., if I take one amount of speed, I get increased awareness of touching and being touched, but if it's too much, I get numb and crash. (From what people have told me, being a speed addict leads to being mostly numb.))) (I think, as with all drugs, speed can be positive if used infrequently and at relatively low dosages, to enhance experience and pleasure; but it can get out of hand.) (Then again, sometimes I like to get to the numb point. (e.g., pot.)) (From what I have read and experienced, a lot of addicts get numb, and one signal is their sex life. (A little consumption can enhance sensuality and reduce inhibitions resulting in an enhanced sex life. Then, if they slide into addiction, the enhancement of sensation turns into numbness more and more often, and their sex lives fall off to nothing at all. (I would say I use pot to repress my sexual aspect.)))
(7pm) I still don't fit into the single's scene at all. (Who I am is the antithesis of all that.) (e.g., none of my friends has partied with me when they went through times of being single, since the Paw days. (I just get in the way of them finding fun and lovers.)) (Someday I will have to rewire my personality so I act single, but I am not there yet.)
(8pm) Looking back, I wonder at how stupid I was in timing the end of my marriage. (I had been thinking about it for years, but I wasn't at all prepared. (If I had planned it out, I wouldn't have lost so much of my stuff!)) (I think what happened was that my unconscious mind got tired of my conscious mind procrastinating about leaving and made it happen.) (And, that was probably the only way she would have heard the message that I was leaving. (When another won't listen to words, the unconscious seems to start looking for other ways to deliver the message, which will be heard. (If someone had suggested then that I was just trying to get out, I would have denied it. I was so afraid of her I couldn't come out and say it was over, because that would have begun an attack and probably would have triggered another suicide attempt. She wouldn't have heard and accepted the words, and I unconsciously responded by communicating the message through trips to hookers and massage parlors; and, in the end, by "falling in love", having an affair, and leaving her for another woman. (At the time, I was sure I was "in love" with that woman, but we wouldn't have gotten along, and it was destined to end. I was just using her to get out of my marriage, and "being in love" with her provided a conscious excuse for doing what I needed to do, for my own sanity and happiness.))))
(9pm) I spend almost nine years building my sexual aspect. (Maybe it will take nine to learn about emotional intimacy?)
What a stressful time my first year of divorce was! (I am glad it's in the past!)
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
10-15-87
(7am) I would say, from what I have read and seen of sexual chemistry, that there are women at the Club who are curious about me. (I just don't do or say the right things, and it goes nowhere.) (I have a lot more growing to do, to be good enough for women.)
Well, my unconscious says it's time to tell the story of the ending of my marriage, so I will go through that again.