(1pm) An example of how I am avoiding changing my unconscious mind's wiring of my social behavior is cigs. (There are reasons why I smoke. (If I am not ready for sexuality, my unconscious will simply choose some other obnoxious behavior to keep women away. (At least I know cigs.)))
Although reacting to it is bad, I think jealousy is useful in telling me whom I care about and how much I care about them. (Looked at as a message from my unconscious mind, about who I love, it's a really neat and useful emotion.)
I still think it's amusing that Aids is changing social dynamics so that the behavior my unconscious has wired together to avoid sexual chemistry are becoming the new signals of sexual chemistry.
(4pm) Nice workout.
Thinking about it more, I would say my od'ing on exercise last winter when I quit cigs was how I replaced part of the physical intimacy I lost then. (Walking, to me, is a constant stimulation of skin by fabric, and a good source of physical intimacy.) (Twas also part of how I replaced the obnoxious factor of cigs, to keep women away. (I wore the same clothes for days at a time because I didn’t have laundry money, and soaked them in sweat for two to four hours a day on my walks. (I smelled at least as bad from sweat soaked clothes, as from cigs.))) (I would say over eating does the same two things. (It provides physical stimulation, and makes one undesirable.))
Isn't one function of dancing to show each other some of our sexual aspects in a neutral setting, to see if we like what we see?
It would be neat to just experience the nice emotions magnified by drugs (e.g., my curiosity about how shrooms and lust would mix.), and skip the negative one’s. (Maybe I can train myself to flow with the negative one’s, and ride the one’s that would be fun with people I trust? (A surfer can pick the waves they ride, and I think it's possible with emotional waves too, with practice and maturity.))
One thing that fascinates me in the movie "Stop making sense" is all the different aspects that David Byrne exhibits. (I like his line, "I have changed my hair style so many times, I don't know what I look like".) (The bass player is subtler in her changes, but she strikes me as being a fascinating woman.)
(5pm) One thing neat about now, for me, is I have a lot of options open to me. (About the only person effected by my choices is me.) (It will be interesting to see how it all unfolds.) (I think it will also be nice, to put down some roots, and begin tangling my life up with others again.)
I sense that in becoming more comfortable with my own feminine aspect, I may become someone who is more comfortable with women.