I overdo it, but I think it would be useful for everyone to spend some time as a hermit and meet themselves.
I have noticed in the past that I shoot pool differently alone than with others. (I wonder why?) (I don't try to do it differently, it just happens.) (Maybe it's that I shoot unconsciously when I shoot alone, and the anxiety I experience from being with people makes me self conscious when I shoot with others? (Whatever it is, it really fucks up my game.))
I heard about some gay guy in town with Aids whose out fucking around. (Is that tied into the betrayal model in "Love me"? (He is working out his anger, which is human; but he is also murdering other people.)-(People often tend to work off their anger by fucking around when betrayed; and that is why Aids has to be cured. If it isn't, it will kill us all, in time!)) (That is one advantage of repressing my sexuality now and a reason to continue to let myself become calm before I react to anything.)
(9am) I have had a lot of excuses; but, at it's base, I suppose my hermitage has been my unconscious choosing to develop the aspect of me which I needed most at the time. (I think it was a good choice.)
Maybe another part of why people grow weary of one nite stands is that they were doing them to work off the anger of a betrayal? (Then they give it up when they reached a point where their anger has been worked off and they are ready to consider a new contract with someone else? (I would say those like myself who fuck no one are also working off anger.))
(11am) I got my hair cut. (That is another way I take care of my need for physical intimacy.) (I told her to cut it how she thought it should be, and ended up losing most of it. (Oh well, I wanted it short.)) (She was an interesting woman. (32, divorced, 13-year-old daughter, does Nautilus and runs daily, beautiful.)-(She says she took a year off from people awhile back and was a hermit too. (She agrees that it isn’t something for long term, and is back to being a social creature, but she feels that it was a good stage in her development.)) (She says she has a hard time relating to the kids that she is going to barber school with, and how they seem to over react to everything. (She says she is able to calm herself and let things flow on by that would have been a big deal once upon a time in her life.)-(Gaining that ability is beautiful.))-(She confirmed my perception that I need to learn how to jitterbug so I can fit in at the bars where women her age go.)-(Neat woman.)) (I started a conversation with the receptionist at the barber college too, while I was waiting. (She says she used to weigh 265 and is down to 150 now. She says she is considering an operation to get some of her fat cells sucked out, because there are spots where she still sags a lot. (She says that operation costs $5,000. (That is outrageous.)) (I suggested that she try exercise instead, to tighten up her body (It won't do it all, but it would help.); and she said she tried it for a year. (I would say she needs to work on it longer than that. (I have been exercising regularly for four years now, and I still have some flabby spots and stretch marks.))))-(Talking about exercise started her off on telling about her beau. (She said that he is an alcoholic who isn’t drinking now. She said when he first quit booze; he started running and hurt himself physically. (She said he figured out he had gotten addicted to the chemicals which exercise triggers, to replace the alcohol. (That made me think back to when I od'd on exercise last winter. (I had just quit cigs at the time, and part of that was probably for the exercise rush.))))))
I think, when I say "lust" it's my sexual aspect talking; and when I say "desirable" it's my everyday self talking. (He is a lot pickier than the prick.)