I suppose I should talk about why Carrie is mad at me. (When I left Bozeman Hunter was carrying around a pretty big emotional dagger that Carrie had stuck in his back. In his letters to me it appeared it wasn't budging any, even months later. For a long time I had the urge, every time I wrote to him, to tell him a story. (Hunter had originally moved to Bozeman to follow Jenna (his girlfriend from Wisconsin). His relationship with Jenna fell apart and she moved in with a new guy. (Her new beau's roommate was Lou.) Hunter sulked awhile and then got involved with Carrie. During the summer of '85, when Carrie and Hunter were each away at home, they were supposed to be celibate; but Carrie had a little fling with Lou. (Finally, I gave into the urge and told him that story. It caused him some pain, but he started moving on afterwards. (I am always hesitant to touch other's daggers because I know it causes pain, but sometimes I do. (The trick is to know the unconscious motive for doing so. (e.g., my relationship with Hunter had been pretty strained at the end of my time in Bozeman, and it's conceivable that my motives in telling him that story were simply to cause pain, and not at all benevolent.)))))) (Anyway, Hunter told Carrie about me telling him that story, and now she has totally cut me out of her life.) (In her letter she talks about how I tell stories about my friends, and that it's a bad habit. (That is why I haven't seriously considered publishing "Outlaws and Poets" yet.)-(Telling stories is a useful way to communicate to a lot of people, but I don't want to hurt anyone by telling them.)) (I sure fucked up!)
(9pm) One advantage of withdrawal is I often over react and withdrawal gives me time for my emotions to become calm again. (For whatever reasons, being me seems to mean over reacting to about everything.) (If I were to follow the initial reaction caused by the emotional storm, I would end up causing myself a lot of grief and make matters worse.)
I think that my relationship with Erica has brought me more growth than any other I can remember. (Or, does she simply fit my needs to withdraw and interact through writing?)
Another perception from doing Nautilus: I have noticed over the years that a lot of men and women go about displaying a nice physique consciously. (e.g., body builders who strike poses.) (I think I will avoid that, or at least try to. (The women I find desirable seem to be unaware of their beauty, so I think that is a good attitude to try and develop in myself.)-(Or, maybe I am just rationalizing hiding?))
A lot of times I have written answers to questions Erica is thinking about asking me. (?)
(9pm) I just realized that the tv is on. (Tis a baseball game, but I don't know the score.) (I get so wrapped in writing sometimes; I am totally oblivious to everything.)
One thing I sense about being overly sensitive is that it's the gift and curse of storytellers.
Without Carrie to write to, I will have to start writing more about politics, the occult, philosophy, …, in Erica's letters.
(10pm) So far, the shrink thinks my problem is a phobia, so I interpreted my problem right.
10-9-87
(8am) Maybe when I change the names in "Outlaws and Poets" I should change the genders around also? (Almost nothing I write about is gender exclusive.)