(10am) Continuing with the model of my everyday self and sexual aspect being two different men. (My everyday self has thrown my sexual aspect into prison. (He is really stupid, and has gotten us in tons of trouble!)) (Using that model, the reason I never get laid is my sexual aspect is only allowed out of prison when I am in bed alone.) (In that model, the comment I have heard from lots of women that my sexual problem is thinking too much, is women sensing that sex is a time to be dumb which doesn't fit who my everyday self is.) (There must be some way that I integrate those two parts of me, so that my sexual aspect is satisfied without destroying my everyday self, and my everyday self is satisfied without destroying my sexual aspect. (Keep searching.)) (Within that model, there isn’t much point in going out until I figure out how to integrate my sexual aspect. (As long as I go out as my everyday self, I am not going to do anything different than in the past.)) (My reaction of going out less and being more anxious when I do, as my attitudes and physical appearance have improved, also seems to fit that model. Those changes have increased the probability of women making the first moves, and my sexual aspect is closer to the surface. (e.g., Sharon would never have gotten me into bed a year ago.) (To maintain control and keep my sexual aspect imprisoned, my everyday self keeps withdrawing further and further from life.)))
Taking that model off on another tangent, my business aspect has been following the stock market, and he says the cycle has peaked for now, and to find some way to sell short across the board. (I hope he is wrong.)
Looking at my social development in terms of that model, I spent most of my time from 14 to 21 with other males, and developed an aspect that is capable of getting along with lots of different men really well. Then, from 21 to 32, I developed my sexual aspect to a high level. The parts of me that needed to be developed then, and which I have worked on from 32 to 37, were the ability to be my own friend, and the ability to be a friend to women. (Now I need to find some way to integrate all those social aspects into a whole.) (I think the first step in integrating any aspect is that it has to first be developed to a relatively high level, which is what I have been working on. (e.g., I needed to learn to be a friend with women, and, unconsciously, I choose women to spend time with, whom, down deep, I knew would never go to bed with me; and that set me up to learn what I needed to know.)-(e.g., I have chosen behaviors which are totally incongruent with a sexually active and skilled man, so no one could guess I am a good lover; which also helped to set me up to learn what I needed now.))
Maybe, using that model, the problem with the work aspects I have built is simply that I forgot to include an on / off switch in them?
Maybe the trick to living in a highly complex culture is to develop to a high level many different aspects, and to become able to weave them together in ways appropriate to the wide variety of possible experience?
(11am) I am glad I developed a hermit aspect to a high level in the last few years. (As a result, I know I will never have a serious problem with loneliness again, and never choose to be with someone simply out of desperation. (Not being my own friend was one of my biggest shortcomings.))
Carrie commented that the purpose of her wild time was to develop her sexual aspect to a high level, and the last few years she has seemed to shift her energy to developing other aspects of herself. (I developed my sexual aspect by marrying someone who had had 100's of lovers.) (I think her way of developing that aspect might have been less painful than mine; but maybe not. (The abortions and broken relationships may haunt her for years.)