(1pm) I ran into Ross and Carly on the walk to the post office and had a little visit with them. (Nice.)
I have noticed that Gwynn is sure into her body. (I sense she is pushing herself too hard though.) (Oh well, as long as she is having fun I guess it's up to her.) (I know I pushed myself too hard last winter, but I have slowed down a lot since. (I think this level is better for me.))
I love the new albums Erica gave me. (Neat!) (U2's "Joshua tree" and Tom Petty's "Let me up (I have had enough)".)
There are gifts in being overly sensitive, but it does have its problems. (e.g., I wish I didn't; but my reaction to even a hint of conflict is to withdraw a long ways for a long time. (I know it's too far and too long, but I haven't unraveled the puzzle of how to deal better with that part of me yet. (I will keep looking for the key!)))
(3pm) Nice workout. (Today I am starting year two on Nautilus.)-(Neat.)
I still sense that to form a relationship with someone like Sharon would be giving up. (She is quiet and shy mostly, and is pretty much looking for someone to sit at home and grow old with.) (Maybe someday I will grow weary of change and growth, and be satisfied that I have done all I can in this lifetime; but I am not there yet.) (I want women in my life who will push me towards becoming all I can be. (And, I accept that that is going to mean experiencing pain, because growth and change never come without pain.))
Although I have found a tool that seems to get me through, when I am hit by a wave of pain; I don't seem to be ready yet to start going out and looking for it. (I sense that to train my unconscious to trigger less often, and to learn to better cope when it does hit me; is going to take lots of practice, and exposing myself to a lot of painful situations. (That is going to require a lot of energy though, and I am not yet to where I am willing to devote mine to that task.))
(5pm) I would guess I am still reading things into situations that aren't there. (Life with my ex was one of one game after another, and I am probably way too paranoid.)
(8pm) I satisfied my craving for a pizza tonite. (Yum!)
10-8-87
(6am) The more I study and look inside myself, and the more I watch other people and their reactions to situations, the more I feel that my body is dumping way too much of the various chemicals (e.g., adrenaline) it creates, into my system. (e.g., in watching others, there always seem to be times when they get pissed at each other and slam the door for awhile; but most of them seem to open it again eventually. (It seems to take more to make me mad at someone I care about, than a lot of people; but it's a long time to never that I cool down enough to open the door again, when I do get pissed at someone.))