(10am) One reason that now isn't the time for a relationship that is more, for me, is that meeting women, dating, and building a relationship require investing lots of time and energy, and I don't have any to spare now. (It has all been going into my jobs, studying and writing, these past three years; and when I do have time, it's usually because my mind is too fried for anymore work but my bodies not ready for sleep.) (In the time right after a divorce lots of people either lose their jobs or have problems at work. (Most people chalk it all up to the emotional turmoil of that time; but another factor is that people tend to shift their energy away from work, to meeting people, dating, and building a new relationship.) (A lot of people who don't find a new relationship in the first year or two often stay single a long time. I think the reason is that they have shifted their energy back to their work. (In "On sex" they defined the term "love readiness" as a state that was needed to increase the odds of finding love. Most of what they described as part of that state was simply investing time and energy into doing things to be attractive, and into getting out in the community looking.)))
Why Erica considers herself as fat still baffles me. (I wonder why she pictures herself that way? (I know I picture myself as about 100 pounds heavier than I am. (Our minds do seem to play games with us sometimes.)))
(11am) I know someday I will need to shift my energy to looking for a relationship and being social; but, somehow, I still feel I am doing the right thing, for now. (And, I invested a lot of my energy into looking, the first couple years after my divorce; and all that happened was my problems got in the way and screwed everything up. (Twas obvious that I needed to check out for awhile and figure out what I was doing wrong and make some changes. (Put together a new me, who will be open to meeting women and building relationships.)))
I don't know for sure when the blocking off of my childhood happened; but it was a long time ago. (I can remember in Jr. High School, an assignment was to write an autobiography, and I had to ask my parents to tell me stories about what I had done, because I couldn't remember it.)-(From the stories they told, I was a real hell raiser then. (e.g., running away from home at three on my tricycle.)-(e.g., supposedly one time my mom had been up working late and fell asleep on the couch. When she woke up, I had emptied out the frig all over her. I was sitting on top of her eating peanut butter that was smeared all over me.)) (I was raised a lot then by my mom's mom, but I have little memory of her. (Just a couple things from around age ten.) (She went crazy a couple years before my mom did, and all my dad would ever say about either of them is that it had something to do with the occult. (He is scared to death of that part of life.))) (Who knows what happened? (With a mother and grandmother who were witches, there are all sorts of weird possibilities.)-(And, maybe it's totally mundane, and was just blown out of proportion by the distortion of a child's eyes?)) (The only thing I can remember about my mom's occult aspect is from after she checked out. (She would ask to see my hands, and we would sit for long periods of time with her studying my palms. (She never told me what she saw there and I have always wondered about that.)))
I don't mean for any of this to be considered bitching. (I can't prove it, but I believe in reincarnation. (I believe, by choosing factors like genetics, body chemistry, gender, what experiences one will be likely to find in a place and situation, …, is part of how the essence of who we are goes about structuring the puzzle it gives itself to untangle while here. (Maybe I am wrong, but it fits best what I have seen here; and it gets me through the nites, so ….)-(It also helps me, in that it tends to force me to look at each problem I face as a puzzle I have handed to myself, rather than looking for someone else to blame.)-(It has brought me to look at my limitations as something to learn from, and to see the gifts in each curse!)))