I thought about going on downtown, but it's nicer staying home writing to Erica and Carrie. (I have a long ways to go before there is any point in going out alone, except to experience and endure pain.) (Who I am now isn't someone who is equipped to be fun or someone others want around, come play time.)
I didn't talk much tonite, but it was super. (A lot of what they talked about were things I don't know about, so I listen and learned. (Fascinating!))-(And, I experienced a number of anxiety attacks, and sitting quietly is about all I can do at those times.)
(1am) I still sense that parties would be a lot more fun, if I weren't there. (Tis sweet of them all to put up with me now and then. (I appreciate it, for sure!))
I think I will consider tonite to have been my nite out for October. (It sure was a hell of a lot nicer than September's nite out!)
(8am) I got touched a lot last nite, and that was nice! (I miss being touched.) (Mostly it was Carly, but even Erica gave me a little hug.) (It had been a long time.)
I still wonder sometimes about what happened in my child hood. (There are only about three memories that my unconscious will let me see, and those aren't particularly nice one’s. (Nothing awful, but I would think there would be three nicer one’s tucked away in there.))
My initial reaction last nite when I got home was to feel bad about still not being very social; but my anxiety level was lower than it used to be and I handled the waves of emotion that did hit me better than I used to. (That is the first stage towards conquering my fears and being social will come later, after that is beaten.) (I need the experience of being in social settings, and I appreciate the gift of moments like that, that Erica gives me.) (In social settings I am still a cripple and dependent, and I accept that others won't put up with me often or for long.)
Erica still keeps suggesting I chase Sharon, and that still totally baffles me. (I don't particularly enjoy her company, she is a lousy lay, and the only end in seeing her is to cause her pain and bring myself more guilt. (I got more pain out of that relationship than any other since my divorce.)) (Maybe Erica just wants me to move on to someone else, regardless of whether it's a good relationship for me?)
I seem to be lousy at guessing games. (I tend to see so many possible messages, rather than just one.) (I also tend to be dense.) (The best way to tell me anything is to say it directly. (Otherwise I am likely to end up with a dozen ideas about what the message might be, and sit around pondering them forever. (e.g., I suppose all that is part of my first move problem too. (From what I have read, women send out non-verbal signals to men, to let them know who they want to chase them; but I am totally baffled about how to read those messages.))))
Although my relationships with Erica and Carrie keep loneliness from my life and fulfill my most important needs, I don't think either of those relationships has anything to do with why I don't have a girlfriend. (In fact, when I do find one, it will be because of them, and all they have taught me.) (Now is simply not a time in my life for a regular girlfriend, and I don't think it will happen any time soon. (I still have a lot of growing to do, to be good enough for a woman.))