Continuing on with the emotional dagger allusion: While I don't want to hurt anyone, helping others to remove daggers from their backs is going to hurt them; but until they are removed, the wounds will never heal. (I now appreciate that the pain caused when others have helped me remove some of the daggers buried in my back was worth it to heal.)
Twas Carrie who introduced me to Billy Joel's "Stranger" album, and told me "She’s always a woman" is my song. (I knew the first time she played it for me, intuitively, that she was right; but I am only now beginning to understand why and how. (Somehow I have the capacity for empathy, and the ability to accept all of the various aspects of the women in my life, and the sense to avoid my women friends when they might cut me. (And, the capacity to forgive them when I do get cut, and to learn from the experiences.)))-(Tis neat!)
Using the model that my friend and sexual aspects are two different men; maybe the anxiety I feel in potentially sexual settings (e.g., bars) is my sexual aspect pounding on his cell door and screaming to be let out? (That would fit with my experiences. (The time I was most comfortable and social in bars was when I was married and my ex wasn't around. (My sexual aspect was satisfied.))) (Maybe that is part of why I so seldom ended up at after hours parties? (My everyday aspect barely fits in at the bars, let alone later.)) (Maybe I always got rejected because I tried to let my everyday self do the romancing? (He is a clod.) (I think he needs to do the choosing, but someone else needs to take it from there.) (Which brings me back to finding some way to accept and integrate all my aspects.))
(2pm) I did laundry and picked up some VO and beer for my birthday party.
Erica left a message on my answering machine saying she is taking me to dinner. (That will be nice.)
(3pm) My sexual aspect seems to be of the opinion that if Carly lets him use her I should let her use him; but my other aspects doubt the wisdom of that.
(5pm) My sister called and bs'd for half an hour. (She is doing better.)-(The doctors finally figured out what was wrong with her back, and have started working to correct it; so the constant pain is now gone. (Good for her.)) (Her and her beau are thinking about taking a trip up this way soon. (That would be nice.))
(7pm) Is it fickle of me to know I love two women, and could be happy living with either? (I think there are many women out there that is true of, that my dreams of Erica or Carrie being more will always just be dreams, and that it will be someone I haven't met yet, if I am ever to have a relationship that is more. (It could be nice to find someone someday who wants to be more and walk a ways with me; but, regardless, I will be happy.))
Erica has called several times today, and I am supposed to pick her up at Miranda's and she is going to buy me a pizza for dinner. (That will be nice.)
10-7-87
(Midnite) Well, Erica gave me a surprise birthday party tonite. (Neat!) (Erica, Miranda, Danny (Miranda's new beau), Charlotte, Jim, Carly, Ross, Gwynn, and three or four other people I hadn't met before were there.) (Miranda cooked a great dinner and a cake! (Yum!)) (Twas the nicest birthday in as long as I can remember!) (What a surprise!)