One reason I try to avoid those situations is I seem to have a knack for spotting the emotional daggers everyone has stuck in their backs. (I don't know why; but people seem to reveal things about themselves, to me, they wouldn't normally tell anyone.) (They trust me; and, when, in a situation where there are vicious games going on, and my humanness and feelings get involved, what I have done is to reach out and twist one of those daggers and push it in further. (It satisfies the initial emotional reaction; but, when I calm down, I regret it and feel pain myself, for having hurt someone else. (I want to help others remove their daggers, not play games and cause more pain.))) (I suppose that is one of the big things I need to work on. (Get to where, when emotions come over me, cut myself loose, flow with them, and let them pass; rather than trying to fight them and react.)-(I am much better at that than I used to be! (Actually, it's kind of neat. (I calm myself and ignore the signal that tells me to fight or run (Mostly I have run.), and just ride out the wave. (And, like I have said, I have got Erica to thank for learning about that. (When we have been together in social situations, I have been regularly hit by waves of jealousy. At first, I would run away and go somewhere else; but she got pissed at me for running. So, I started making myself stay and ride it out instead, and learned how to do that. (She has given me a lot of gifts, but that is the most precious one anyone has ever given me!)))-(That is a good part of why loneliness and depression bother me so little now. (It works the same way. (I calm myself when I feel them coming upon me; remind myself I have been through it before and that it isn’t really that horrible and that it always passes; and just flow with it. (As a result, those feelings have lost their intensity and duration; and don't bother me much, even when they do hit me.))))-(The problem with it is that, while I am riding out an emotional wave, I am withdrawn rather than interacting with others; but, with time and practice, the waves seem to pass quicker and in time I think they will mostly be a brief flicker in my life.))))) (When I am in bars alone and I am hit by a wave of anxiety about being in a potentially sexual environment, I calm myself by remembering Carrie. (She didn't come to the Paw often; but, now and then, she would cruise through with whoever was supplying the cocaine that nite. She would check him in with his buddies who were there, and come over to where I was sitting. We would visit, she would give me some hugs, and dance a slow dance with me; and then she would wander back to chasing cocaine. (I loved those brief interludes; and she always brightened up my evening! (So, now, when I get anxious, I play a tape of one of those moments, and I am comforted.)-(That is one of the most beautiful gifts Carrie gave to me!)-(I am withdrawn while I am remembering that moment and calming myself; but, for now, the important thing is to learn to master the anxiety, and interacting will come only after it's gone from my life. (I have to keep going to bars and facing that fear, until it's diminished to the point where it no longer stops me from being there, or keeps me from interacting, or causes me to run away, or causes me to not go at all, or …!)))))
(9am) One comment Erica made, which I never asked her about, was the time she wrote "It's nice to know you are in lust with my sisters." (Sarcasm?) (Jealousy?) (If sarcasm, I suppose a sarcastic response would be a reference to Robbie Nevil's song "Wot's it to ya?".) (I have always told her about the women I am in lust with, so why should it bother her now?) (I am constantly falling in lust, and pretty much ignore it. (That is easy to find, and there are more important things I am looking for.)) (I like sarcasm sometimes. (e.g., there was a woman I worked with at the County who enjoyed it, and every time she came to my office, we would have a conversation that was a dialogue of sarcasm. (We both had fun with it, and that was neat.))-(It can get pretty vicious and hurtful though, and I don't like that. (I have used it a few times to strike out at someone, but all that happened was that everyone felt more pain!)))