Given the women I enjoy being with, I still don't think a sexually monogamous relationship is going to be found in my future. (One advantage of my relationship with Erica is that I have come to much better terms with my feelings of jealousy, and that, I have a feeling, will come in handy if I ever find a girlfriend. (I feel I have to get even better control over that emotion though, before I consider a long-term relationship.)) (I suppose I could change the type of women I spend time with, and find someone who would be less likely to fuck around on me; but, so far, the women I have met, who are like that, bore me.) (I think it's a better choice to grow into someone who can accept that part of life and overcome my feelings of jealousy, rather than resigning myself to some blasé woman I wouldn't enjoy living with.)
I am still puzzled about whether or not a period of doing one nite stands would be helpful or not, in beating my phobias.
I suppose some people have thought that I avoid violence because I am afraid of getting hurt, but that isn’t it. (What I have feared is that, if I let that aspect out, it might hurt someone before I got it back under control.) (One thing about Nautilus that has worried me a little is that aspect seems to be closer to the surface now. (e.g., I used to figure that if someone hit me I would turn the other cheek (And, I did that, the one time it happened.); but now I might finish the fight.) (I don't worry much about it though, as I also sense I would have greater control over that aspect, if I did let it out, and would be able to stop before someone was more hurt than the situation called for.))
If it were possible to find someone who wanted to have an affair, where I knew they wouldn't get hurt, it might be really good for me to have a few affairs; but I think the power of physical intimacy to bond two people, makes that unlikely. (Someone always seems to get hurt, and sometimes everyone involved gets a dose of pain. (e.g., Nikki has been single for a long time now. She went though a phase where she didn't want a long-term relationship, where she would pick up married men at work to have affairs with. Her logic was that those relationships wouldn't be more than curing her horniness, and would keep her life uncomplicated by love and all that has to go into building a long-term relationship. The problem was that she ended up falling in love with the guys, and getting mad because they wouldn't dump their wives and move in with her. (She did stuff like calling up their wives and telling them about the affairs to try and get the guys divorced and into her bed full time. (It never worked though, and it caused lots and lots of pain for everyone!)) (I still feel sad about the affair I had with her, as it caused her a lot of pain, and screwed up our friendship for a long time.) (Prior to that phase she lived with an alcoholic for several years, and had endured a lot of physical and psychological abuse.)-(Prior to that she was married to an alcoholic with the same results.)-(Last I heard she was living with a new guy and was thinking about marriage. (I hope she has broken her pattern of addictive and abusive relationships, and is finding some happiness!))))
One of the things that annoyed me a lot about being married to an alcoholic was that it took the fun out of partying. (I knew I had to stay sober, that I had to constantly edit what I said and did to avoid triggering an attack, and that I would end up babysitting her and cleaning up her messes.) (Whenever we had drugs in our lives her attacks on me became more intense and lasted longer. (As a result, through most of the marriage, we gave up drugs completely.))
What I have liked most about my women friends, since the divorce, is that most of the time we just had fun and could depend on each other not to get each other into the middle of some nitemare. (I think I will stick to looking for women who can handle drugs, and avoid the addicts.)