She commented again about how smoky my apartment gets. (I know.)-(And, I know I should quit cigs; but they are a major source of physical intimacy for me, and an integral part of my defense mechanisms. (First I have to overcome my fear and become social and sexual; so I have real physical intimacy in my life, and don't need obnoxious habits to keep people away.))
(10pm) Sharon called and bs'd for an hour. (It sounds like her life has mellowed out since her daughter moved in with her.) (She says she is selling her sports car, as she is past that phase.) (She is still married and not doing anything about getting a divorce. (I got the feeling that she wants to find someone else to marry before she divorces the last one.)) (She says my social and sexual problems are because I "think too much". (I have heard that before, and it's a part of it; but how do I change that? (I have spent most of my life with books, numbers, machines, and analysis; all of which require much thinking.)-(My major source of companionship over the years has been my internal dialogue.)-(I stop thinking on the dance floor and in bed with a lover, usually; but I don't know how it happens.)-(Thinking of the possible consequences of my actions and being sensitive to others and my own feelings, has shut off a lot of behavioral choices for me. (e.g., Sharon is looking for a husband and I am not him, and she would have ended up getting hurt, if we had continued being lovers; so I spaced her off as a lover.)))) (She says the reason she has given up on the bars is that she got tired of dating alcoholics. (After my experiences with my ex, I can relate to that.)-(I don't however agree that that is a reason to give up the bars. (From my experience, the alcoholics who got dates and lovers at the bars, were often the loudest and most aggressive men there, and had enough practice in that setting to be highly skilled at seduction and using women. They aren't however, the only men at the bars, and now that her criteria for men has changed; the answer, to me, isn't to give up the bars totally, but to change the criteria for choosing who she goes out with. (It would probably mean chasing the quieter and shyer men, and she would have to be a little aggressive; but they are there.))-(I would say that the alcoholics might have been the best choice for her, while she was working off the anger from her marriage. (She used them while they were using her.)))) (I mentioned my idea about going to a shrink to her, and she thought that might be helpful; but when I told her where I was going, she said that place is mostly student therapists, and that I would probably know more about psychology than they do. (That would be amusing.)) (She gave me a bunch of shit about never calling her. (Erica gives me that lecture now and then too.) (I do seem to have a generalized fear of making any kind of first moves.) (I know she is looking for a hubby, and I would worry that doing anything like calling her might give her the wrong idea about what I am interested in from her.)) (She also says she has started exercising and doing the physical therapy for her back problem. (Good for her!)) (I was talking to her about my shyness, and she commented again that I was pretty comfortable with her, for a shy guy. (I don't know why I can't make first moves, but do fine when women do; but that seems to be the way my psyche functions.))
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
10-1-87
(8am) Another new month to explore. (Neat.)
I seem to have come to accept that sexuality is going to continue to only be a fantasy for me, for awhile longer anyway.