9-29-87
(7am) Being broke and not knowing where I will be living in six months are part of why I am a hermit now, and they are excuses that lots of people accept; but solving them wouldn't change much. (If I could overcome the fears and learn the necessary skills, it wouldn't matter. (I would accept my right to human companionship and some loving, and go for it, regardless.)) (I would say it's more likely now that I would go out and start working on overcoming the fear and studying how people behave together, if I had money; but the fear and lack of skills are the core of why and who I am.) (I seem to prefer to use excuses; but according to "Fighting fear", I need to be honest with myself and others, and admit that I am afraid and unskilled. (Something else to work on.))
(11pm) I used to get the urge to find a girlfriend along about August or September; but that seems to have passed me by this year.
9-30-87
(7am) I hate to admit it, but Erica is still capable of sending me on an emotional roller coaster ride, now and then. (I have met 100’s of women since my divorce; but so far, she is the only one who has sparked any jealousy in me. (It annoys me because I know jealousy is bad and I would like to cut it out of my life, it's probably part of why she and I still aren't real comfortable together, and it has spoiled some times that should have been fun.)) (I will keep trying to overcome.) (I wonder too, from that experience, if I ever want a relationship that is more. (If love means that same kind of roller coaster ride, magnified by physical intimacy, I don't know if I am ready to deal with the ride. (The up side is super, but I don't seem to be able to deal with the down side too well yet.)))
(9am) I suppose I better go to the Club today. (I haven't exercised in five days and haven't been out of the apartment in four days. (I suppose that isn’t good.))
In a lot of ways I am glad I won't have to deal with the concerns of having kids, if I get back to sexuality. (e.g., my ex took out her IUD without telling me and got pg; and I don't have to worry about anyone doing that to me. (And, no one has to worry about me tricking them into a relationship by getting them pg.)) (People should have kids when they are ready to and sure of their situation. (Accidents and trapping people with a pregnancy, have screwed up a lot of lives.))
(11am) The Jehovah's Witnesses just came by. (I sent them away quickly. (I had all I could stomach of their dogma, while my ex was one of them.))
(1pm) I finished Charlotte's taping project. (Yeah.)
(3pm) Nice workout. (Sitting for five days cost me a few repetitions, but it was probably good for me to give the old body a break from the routine.)
There is a piece of my heart that Erica will always own, and within it lives the dream that she and I might be more; but I know all that is just fantasy, and I accept and cherish the joy and beauty of the reality of our relationship. (Neat.)
(7pm) Erica stopped by for a visit. (Neat!) (She wore another really pretty dress today. (She is still beautiful.)-(Yum.))