(9pm) Erica, Miranda, and Charlotte stopped by with some beer and a cookie, and we had a nice visit. (Neat.) (Charlotte brought over the stuff for her taping project, so now I have a project to keep me busy. (Neat.))
(10pm) It has sure been a long time since I have been touched. (Maybe someday it will happen again.)
(11pm) I love the sound of the rain.
9-25-87
(3pm) Nice workout.
9-26-87
(8am) I have probably been eating too much fried food, but it's cheap and easy to prepare.
I suppose my problem with physical intimacy is a factor in why I seem to prefer writing to talking. (Writing is both a way to avoid direct contact with people and it helps replace the physical intimacy.)
I suppose my problems with even a friendly touch says that I feel touching means sex, at least on the gut level. (I seem to be able to deal better with being touched, than with touching someone. (Unless it's someone I know well and who has given me lots of hugs (So I know they won't mind if I give them a hug.); I only touch their fore arm, if I touch them at all.)) (The experience with Sharon showed I am capable of touching still, but the woman still has to make all the first moves.)-(Weird.)-(It seems like there is some threshold, up to which a woman has to drag me; and then, beyond it, I am totally different.)
(9am) Maybe there is some clue for me, in my being confused when women (e.g., Sharon) ask me what I am thinking in bed? (In bed and on the dance floor are two places I don't think at all.) (In bed, I focus on the sensations of touching and being touched, and the cues the woman sends to me about her likes and dislikes. (It seems, to me, that that isn’t a place where thinking is appropriate, but I wasn't always like that. (What I have learned about learning is that one normally uses the conscious mind to study and during the initial time of practicing the new skill; but it eventually begins to slip over to where the unconscious mind is doing more and more of the activity. (Before my marriage, I had read about sex, but had little experience; and I wasn’t a very good lover then. Then, during my marriage, my ex taught me lots more about sex, and gave me 1,000's of hours of practice; and, now, in bed, I do it unconsciously.)))) (Maybe I need to practice seduction, so it becomes an unconscious act also?)
Another of my annoying habits, in social situations, is that I have to be dragged along, and need to be invited along each time the party moves. (I am always expecting to get ditched.) (I am so inexperienced and have so many problems with that part of life, that I am not much fun, I take too much, and I often feel guilty about getting in the way of other people's fun.)
(10am) Since I have all the ingredients for a party, I think I will throw one for myself tonite. (I would invite others, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to come.)
(11am) Laundry time.