I still think my accounting computer has something to do with not going out broke. (I am dependent and take a lot, in that environment; and without tipping and buying drinks for others, I feel I am not doing enough in return. (e.g., I depend a lot on bartenders for companionship; and, over time, it has been through bartenders that I met most of the people I have met. (I am not entertaining, and all I have to offer them, in that environment, is tips and respect.)))
Another factor I have sensed, in not building friendships here, is that I am not committed to stay. (In fact, the odds of staying seem to be low.) (Within a few months of moving here I knew I had to get out of that job, and for the last year and a half I have been living in limbo. (Actually that has been more or less true, ever since I got divorced.)) (I feel it has been the most productive period of time in my life. (With no others in my life, I have had lots of time and energy to devote to work and studies.))-(I am a better man, as a result. (The person people meet when I do get back to others will be a better person than they would have met when I moved here.)) (I have been craving to put down some roots and begin tangling my life up with others. (I am waiting on a job though, as roots are impossible to grow without stability and permanence to nourish them.))-(One reason I have pretty much dragged my feet about job hunting in the big cities is that I wouldn't want to put down roots there.)-(Actually, what I would like is to stay here, find a job, study and write some, take some classes, go to some bar on a regular basis, rent a small house, and begin building friendships. (Be very nice, but without a job, that is all fantasy.))
(10am) Perception: The person I see in the mirror when I shave each morning doesn't fit the image I have of myself, in my mind. (In my mind, I am still fat and out of shape.) (Maybe I should get a mirror and put it in the living room for awhile, and see if it changes my self-image? (One could get carried away with that (e.g., I had a roommate in college who hung a mirror in the living room, and he would stand there for hours talking to people and looking at himself in the mirror.); but a little might be useful for me.)
(1pm) Nice walk.
Note from the ozone: Maybe the sun tends to promote linear and analytical thought because we can't look at it, and are forced to divert our eyes to the horizon? The moon seems to promote different thoughts, and maybe that is related to being able to look at it (and the stars)? (Searching the skies, instead of the horizon.)
Quote:
Tom Robbins-"... if you can't break your own rules, whose can you break?"
(4pm) Nice sun tanning session.
I called the County, and they have decided they can't afford to have me come over now. (Oh well.) (Christine was telling me about her new job in Helena with the state. (She says that they told her that they are getting at least 100 applications for every accounting job they advertise. (The competition is stiff right now, for sure.))) (She says she heard there is a big demand for accountants in Boston. (They have supposedly got a shortage of men there too.)-(Who knows though. (I have heard that before, about other places, and when I checked it out, it was merely rumor.)))
(5pm) I have been craving shrooms again lately. (Maybe I will do them tomorrow nite.)
I hope something clicks soon here, so that I have an income again. (I am tired of being in limbo and rootless.)