9-22-87
(8am) I don't think that Carrie feeling that she is trapped in a relationship, and needing to get out now and then to flirt and dance about a bit is unusual at all. (Or, unhealthy.) (In my Paw days, there were a lot of married women my age that had come in now and then, and flirted and danced with me. (Twas just that. (They weren't looking for a lover; but it did brighten up their lives a bit and made them feel good about themselves.))) (Isn't the trick to simply find someone who can accept that? (I don't really want a lot of lovers, and if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't go looking for affairs; but I do enjoy flirting and dancing with a lot of women!)) (I am coming to accept that no one can completely wipe feelings of jealousy from their lives, but it can be kept to a minimum and not turn into screaming session. (I know one of my problems the last few years, is running at the slightest sign of jealousy in a woman; but that isn’t realistic.)) (Isn't the biggest problem with jealousy that it says there isn’t enough trust for emotional intimacy to deepen? (Without trust and emotional intimacy, there is no hope for a long-term relationship where both people can grow and be happy.)) (One of Carrie's beaus justified his jealousy with the fact that she also had feelings of jealousy, but I think that misses the point. (We all have that conditioned into us, and part of it may be innate in being human; but we can't find happiness until we come to terms with it, and put it aside.))
In reading the latest "Rolling Stone", I found an interesting comment in their bit on the new tv show "Beauty and the Beast". (The lion/person character in the show is talking, in one scene they quote, about why he frightens people. He says it's because he reminds them of their aloneness. (I think that may be part of why people who hear about my lifestyle think of depression and are put off. (They have to visualize a life of solitude to understand what I am saying about my life, and it frightens them. (I have had people tell me, after they have gotten to know me, that their initial reaction to me was fear.))))
I also enjoyed the interviews with Bono and Baryshnikov. (Bono reminded me of me, a little. (e.g., he can't remember his childhood.)) (The thoughts Bono threw out, that interested me most were:
1. When a writer is blocked, go ahead and write about having nothing to say.
2. He says he writes a lot of his stuff with his unconscious mind.
3. He says to start with what one feels now and to work from there in writing. (He quotes the bible's comment that the truth will set us free.) (How true.)
4. He says he is trying to develop the ability to reveal himself in his writing, rather than conceal. (I think that is a good goal.)
5. He also says the trick to being serious is to not be boring. (True, but I think one also has to avoid being serious all the time, regardless of whether it's boring or not.)
6. Quote: "Terrorists are ordinary men who have the ability to take the lives of other ordinary men because of the way they see the world." (I don't understand that either. (Will we ever learn that there is no them? (All there is, is us.)))
I sense that my friends tend to get frustrated with me, and mad about me not changing; and I feel bad about that. (I appreciate their input and suggestions, and they have helped me much in seeing what I am doing wrong socially and about how I need to change; but I am still unable to overcome my fears and make the changes. (At least now I have a clearer idea of what has gone on, and that has been a big help!)) (I keep hoping that time and more clearly understanding my problems will help me to begin working on healing and changing, but it's a terribly slow process and I am not making any progress on changing my life.)