I am sure my problems are either genetic (I have been this way as long as I can remember, and my sister says I have always used withdrawal as a defense.), learned through traumas in childhood and with my ex, or some combination of the two. (The two basic approaches to therapy are:
1. Some analytical model that goes back and looks for the traumas, and focuses on the past.
2. Some learning theory model where they work on extinguishing the fear response and learning new responses.)
(The analytical approach has had little effect with phobias, while the learning theory approach is quicker and has higher recovery rates.)
She commented about how I shock people sometimes with some of the things I say. (I do come off the wall with some weird shit sometimes.) (In particular she commented that Miranda was shocked by comment at the fair that, despite my current long-term celibacy, I have gotten laid on the average of once a day for the last 17 years. (Maybe that isn’t a good thing to say either, but I think it's better to state my entire sexual history rather than just the last 65 months or so.) (In the past, friends have told me to just lie and invent a bunch of lovers for the past few years. (If I were able to display verbal and non-verbal behavior that was totally congruent with that of a sexually active man they are probably right; but until/unless I get to that point I think it's more positive to be honest.)) (Saying nothing has its problems too. (e.g., lots have questioned if my behavior means I am gay.) (Saying nothing leaves others to invent their own story to explain my behavior, and I think it's better to explain it myself.))) (In "Fighting fear" he says to be honest about the phobia, so maybe I am right for a change.)
She wanted to know, considering how I chickened out with that woman at the Down Under, why I buy rubbers. (Who knows?) (I will probably end up giving this batch to her too. (Oh well, it only sets me back about $15 a year, so no big-a-deal.))
She brought me some apples and chocolate. (Yum.)
One thing I have noticed this year, while spending time without pot, is that I get the munchies a lot more when I have it.
I think I might finish up this addition to "Outlaws and Poets" Thurs. or Friday (I do seem to get obsessive when I work.)-(And, I am drained at the end of the day.) (I still love my word processor. (I make changes on it that I probably wouldn't make on a typewriter.))
One advantage of poverty, I guess, is that my truck should last a long time. (Lately I have only been driving about 100 miles a month.)
9-16-87
(8am) Time to plug into the computer again.
(1pm) Time for a typing break.
(3pm) Nice workout.
(8pm) Enough typing for today.
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)