(9pm) Erica, Carly and Gwynn stopped in, got me hi, and kept me company for awhile. (Neat!) (And, she brought me a letter today.)
(10pm) The buzz is mellowing out enough for me to write again. (I love smoke, but sometimes I lose the ability to communicate for awhile.)
Erica says she thinks I am right to start with friends and to move slowly, so I will try not to worry about that. (I don't think it's so much the approach that has been a problem, but that there are so many fears that I never push any friendships on to being more than platonic.)
She also commented that maybe I am imagining how women are perceiving me. (I don't think so. (I try to just deal with the things that women say to me about how they perceive me. (e.g., many women have said I am "too nice to fuck".)))
She also commented about how I try to figure out why they perceive me that way. (I do try to look at my behavior and attitudes, and try to figure out what it is about them that caused women to respond to me in those ways. (e.g., if I am to ever find lovers, I first must stop being perceived as "too nice to fuck"; and that requires looking at myself and figuring out why I am perceived that way and figuring out how to change, so that doesn't happen any more.) (When people regularly respond to me in ways I don't like, I have to figure out why and change so they respond to me differently.)-(And, I think it's worthwhile to observe men who women don't consider to be "too nice to fuck", and see if there is any of their behavior I would feel comfortable modeling.)-(I haven't reached the point where I am ready for sex, so I haven't made many changes, and I am still considered by most as "too nice to fuck". (At least I have a clearer idea of why I have been perceived that way and have some ideas about how to change that perception when I am ready for that part of life again.)-(I think, most importantly though, that studying myself has brought me to the point where I understand and accept that I have done this to myself. (That knowledge has helped me to gradually move away from the crying in my beer stage and toward becoming more content within myself and happy with my life!)))) (I think she is right though that to try and guess how others perceive me would be foolishness.)
She comments that she doesn't waste her time on "dumb men", and I think that is a hint to pass on "dumb women". (Whatever it is that means.)
She commented that she was too conservative to have ever fucked in the Marineland parking lot. (I am pretty conservative now, but when someone starts me up I can get pretty mischievous.) (It takes someone making the first move, before my playful side ever comes out.) (That space was a little lover's lane, and there wasn't anything particularly unusual about it. (Twas a spot for romance.))
She suggested I try hanging out at Charlie’s. (I have only been there twice, but I kind of liked it.) (And, the average age seemed to be a little older than a lot of the other downtown bars.)