(8pm) I am ready for the new tv season.
There is a woman who has been living most of the summer in a van parked down by the park where I sun tan. She sun tans a lot too and asks me questions now and then, but I haven't been able to get up the nerve to start a conversation with her. (She does these stretching exercises while she is sun tanning that almost make me wish I could deal with sex.)
I wonder if I am ever going to get out of the hermit routine?
The days are getting shorter again.
(9pm) One thing that used to bother me about this life, was the people who laughed at me. (It still bothers me some.) (I don't know why I am afraid, or why I can't find the courage to overcome; but it's real to me, and I don't know any fast way to change into someone more people can relate to without laughing.)-(I have been overcoming being bothered by the laughter, by reframing it as making others happy.)-(And, I try to make fun of myself now. (There is a lot about me that is pretty funny.))
One piece of advice I have gotten about finding lovers, that I don't see much point to, is starting with "dumb women", in learning seduction. (The guy who told me that claimed to be an expert, and specialized in seducing "intelligent" women, as they are more of a challenge to get into bed.) (Maybe I am wrong, but I don't have any interest in chasing someone I wouldn't enjoy being with out of bed. (I would rather be celibate, and spend time with women I enjoy being with. (But, maybe that is my phobia again?)) (Maybe I should spend some time using "dumb women", and learn the skills I will need to seduce the women I would like to be with?) (Oh well, stick to studying books and pondering, until I am not so totally confused by the whole matter and have a plan I feel comfortable trying.))
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
9-8-87
(8am) I suppose the phobias I should worry about first are the one’s regarding job hunting. (I can mail a resume in response to an ad in the paper, send inquiry letters, and I do well at interviews (When I can get one.); but I am petrified at the thought of going door to door looking in person, or even making an uninvited phone call. (As with all else social, I have to have someone else make the first moves.))