(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
I wonder why beans cause gas?
9-7-87
(8am) Boredom is setting in again. (Time to start another project.)
(9am) I caught up with my pen pals. (What would I do without them to share with?)
Since one element of all addictions seems to be that they replace physical intimacy, I wonder if that isn't one of the core reasons there are so many addictive personalities in our culture? (I know that chemical addiction to nicotine is only a small part of why I smoke cigs. (The first couple of weeks without are a bit rough, but it isn’t that bad.)-(I like myself more now, but that doesn't seem to have solved the cig problem. (I think a big part of it is simply that smoking is how I satisfy my need for physical intimacy, and quitting creates a void in my life. (Maybe a part of why my cig smoking increases in social settings is to soothe the increase in that craving when I am around women? (A bigger part is that it keeps women away.)))))-(Interesting.) (I know I was addictive in how I lived in bars, and I think that was in part to satisfy my need for physical intimacy. (I spent most of my time in bars that were packed, and I was constantly getting bumped into while I was there.)-(And, paying for drinks sometimes brings a little touch. (Maybe that is part of my problem with going broke?))-(That was another thing I liked about going to the fair. (Moving through the crowds, I got a lot of physical contact with others, and it felt nice.)) (Maybe our culture's tendency to find substitutes for physical intimacy is a lot of it?) (Maybe part of why I fail at quitting cigs is that I don't replace them with something? (After being a fatso once upon a time, I avoid that alternative. (I would rather smoke cigs, than be fat again.)))
I wonder if genetics also plays a part in how much people need physical intimacy? (There does seem to be a wide variation in how much people need.) (I know I have a high need for it, which is why women have told me I am a good lover. (I can get into touching for hours and hours!)-(e.g., Sharon's comment on that drive she and I took, that she had never known that holding hands could be such a sensual experience.)-(e.g., her thanking me for her first experience of a man spending an entire evening touching her. (Her back was hurt then, so there wasn't any f'ing; but we did a lot of touching.)-(I brought her to orgasm five times, but I think it was the touching she liked most.))) (If one assumes that phobias are linked to genetics, reincarnation is valid, and how we set up the puzzle to be unraveled in life is, in part, through those genetic choices; maybe my primary puzzle in this lifetime is to resolve the conflict set up by a high need for physical intimacy and a fear of it?) (I think that is another reason that Erica and I could never get a long as more than friends. (I need to find someone who likes and is comfortable with a lot of sensuality!)) (I doubt I will be able to quit cigs until I find a girlfriend who is into touching and can supply the physical intimacy I am using them to attain.) (I would still like to experience doing shrooms, getting naked, and spending the nite making love and touching!) (Isn't there a certain amount of humor in me being a good lover who women perceive as a lousy lay? (Sharon said I totally surprised her.)-(I feel a bit guilty about that. (The best way I could have repaid all the nice things my women friends have done for me would have been to be their lover. (Sex is, by far, my most highly developed social skill!)))
(Noon) Nice walk.
(4pm) Nice sun tanning session.