I am a bit worried about my sister too. (She hurt her back, but isn't doing any physical therapy for it. (Lots of pain, lots of pain killers, and sitting a lot.))
I suppose they worry about me too. (I hope not though. (I have problems; but I keep getting better, and have never been happier.))
9-4-87
(10am) I am feeling good! (I sure get a rush from finishing up a typing project.)
(11am) Still no money. (Oh well.)
(Noon) Erica popped in and said hi. (Neat!)
(4pm) Nice workout.
I have to overcome my compulsion to find rational explanations for what I can and can't do. (Tis all irrational and figuring out why is pointless. (e.g., I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why, before I went to work for the County, I could go out broke and be okay; but, after I started there, I lost that ability. (Who knows?)) (e.g., I have wondered why one day I was comfortable going to Flippers, and the next, I was too scared to even think about going. (Who knows?)) (They are all rooted in my childhood and my ex, and are irrational responses.) (What is relevant is that each year my fear increases and I am capable of doing less and less socially.)
(5pm) I just thought of another change that might have come out of my ex's infidelity: I had quit cigs for about four years, and I started again, about then. (I obviously blocked that hostility and took a lot of it out on myself.) (Combining ideas in "Love me" and "Intimate behaviour", maybe I withdrew from physical intimacy some and emotional intimacy completely, when I found out about that; and replaced them with the substitutes of food and cigs?)
My body seems to have adapted to being out of pot.
(8pm) I taped "Legal eagles" last nite and watched it tonite. (Daryl Hannah's beautiful, but I would choose Debra Winger any day. (I have been in serious lust with her, ever since I saw "Cannery row".))
At the fair, it was nice to see that Sharon has found a new guy. (Or, at least she has found someone to go places with.) (He was sure tall. (She is about 6' and they make a nice couple.)) (I seem to be most attracted to women who are 5'2" - 5'7". (Twas interesting experiencing a tall lover though. (Another fantasy checked out.))
I am still lost about what non-music bar to hang out in. (I still get a lot of anxiety about the idea of going to Flippers.)-(Same with going to Connie’s uninvited.)-(I have mixed emotions about Corky’s. (I enjoy the variety of people there, and, I enjoy seeing Carly and Ross; but there aren't many unattached women there my age, and, like that one guy said, I am just not sad enough anymore to fit in there.)) (Keep searching and see if I can find a space where I fit in. (First, I have to find the courage to get out the door.)) (I wish I weren't so confused and lost socially!)
I tried to get into the football game on tv tonite, but couldn't. (I switched to a comedy and laughed instead.)